Heart and Soul

Spam Comments?

2005-10-21T11:39:00.000-04:00

How is my blog being slammed by all these spam commentors? Does anyone know how to stop it?

New Blog on Typepad!

2005-04-25T19:59:00.000-04:00

Hi friends. Please visit me at my new blog, Heart and Soul. Address is http://katieandlife.typepad.com. Like many of you, I've had it with Blogger. I can't do anything these days. Looking forward to seeing you all over there. Thanks.

16 Week Update

2005-04-18T21:15:00.000-04:00

Something is definitely wrong with Blogger. I created a new blog called Heart and Soul, but somehow when I go to check it, it's telling me that it's not found. So, I guess I'll continue to update here until they fix it or I decide to change the name on this one, whichever one comes first.

Well, currently I am 16 weeks. This Thursday, I'll turn 17 weeks and that will be the *BIG* ultrasound day (I hope anyway). We'll finally get to find out if we're having one of each sex or two of the same. Whatever they are, just PLEASE let them both to be happy and healthy! I'm aware of the many things can go wrong with twins and I am always cautious and nervous.

I've been watching a lot of Discovery Health lately, especially the baby shows, and some of that stuff scares the crap out of me. Just yesterday, I watched Medical Incredible (if I remember the name correctly). They had a woman who stopped breathing and came so close to death while in labor. Her baby's amniotic sac had torn and some of it leaked into her blood supply. Her body reacted with severe allergic reactions and her blood started to clot in her heart. Then all of her blood turned into jello and nothing was pumping or flowing the way it should. She was bleeding everywhere! The doctors thought she had very little chance of surviving, and if she did, she would suffer brain damage. Luckily, they performed an emergency C-section and saved her baby. Well, after the baby came out, miraculously, her body started correcting itself and she made it. All of the doctors were amazed. Usually, you don't come out of something like and still be the same as you were. It was truly scary to watch.

On to maternity clothes now. Two weeks ago, I bought my very first maternity outfits. I know I'm not showing that much yet, but all of my pants have gotten very, very snug and it's quite uncomfortable. The thing that I found out was that there's not a lot of maternity clothes out there for women who are early on in their pregnancies. Like 98.9% of them are made for women who are 7-9 months pregnant. So, I had to purchase some tops that were a size smaller than what I would normally get. As for the pants, I got my usual size even though they were a little loose. I know I'll fill them out in no time though. God, they are SOOOOOOO comfortable! I need to go find more maternity stores and buy a bunch more! I just know I'll be wearing these out so fast.

I have been wanting to post my ultrasound pics but apparently, our scanner is upset at us. It's giving me some trouble so I'll try again later. I'm planning on putting all of my ultrasound pics in a scrapbook of my babies. I want to remember everything, from the very beginning when they were just a bundle of cells with a flickering in the middle as their hearts to the day I give birth and get to hold them in my arms. They are my heart and soul, and I don't want to miss a thing.

By the way, here are some of my PG symptoms that I don't believe I have mentioned before:

* dark areolas & a weird texture at the bottom of each breast
* constipation (this sucks! the Colace helped a little)
* burping all the time (hmmm . . . could this be related to the constipation perhaps?)

What I don't have yet are the food cravings. I guess it'll hit me later. I don't know if I really want that. I'm afraid what I might be craving will not be good for me.

I guess this is all I have for now. And I'm sorry I haven't been updating as often as I used to. My husband went and messed up our computer with a whole lot of spyware and adware. That stinker! I think we fixed most of it, but I still have problems from time to time. It just hasn't been as fun getting on the net these days.

It's for REAL!

2005-03-30T19:32:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I believed.

Up til this point, I knew I was pregnant because of state my body is in, but a small part of me was still in denial. I wanted undeniable proof (yes, I know - I'm always wanting and needing more but you can't blame me). Well, I definitely got it. My appt. yesterday was only supposed to be a regular OB appt. with no ultrasound. When the nurse wasn't sure she was hearing two different heartbeats, I kind of panicked. But she said she would have the sonographer give me a quick ultrasound scan to make sure there are still two heartbeats. This scan, like I said, was supposed to be quick and simple - no measurements, no details, and no pictures for me. Disappointed but still, I was glad they were making sure.

Long story short, the sonographer ended up giving me the whole nine yards. Her reason was because baby B's water sac was smaller than baby A's so she wanted to take measurements of everything and make sure all was well (which my doc said there was nothing to be concerned about at this point . . . my babies were both growing normally - actually, baby A was growing a couple of days ahead of schedule and baby B was right on target . . . but just to be safe, they will give me another u/s in 3 weeks - I'm all for that!). I think the sonographer's real reason was because she sensed my anxiousness and paranoia and she wanted to help. She was so understanding the entire time I was expressing my concerns to her. It's very rare you get one that actually cares about what you're going through.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, the pictures I saw on the monitor brought me to tears. Yes, I'm only 2 days shy of 14 weeks but I saw little heads with little arms and legs! I even got profile shots of them! What a sight! They looked so sweet. And they were moving quite a bit too. I was beyond stunned. I just sat there in pure bliss because it was the most amazing experience ever. I might post those pictures up later if my scanner behaves.

Now . . . I believe. There will be no more doubts in my mind from here on. There really are two small human beings forming inside of me. And I can't wait to meet them face to face. My two miracles. Only six more months to go . . . please be good and grow, grow, grow!

Music to My Ears

2005-03-19T08:55:00.000-05:00

I heard both of their heartbeats this past Wed. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh............... that was the sweetest sound in the world and music to my ears. I also found that if I lie very still and gently press my fingers where they are, which is very low in my abdomen, I can feel their heartbeats thumping away! Now, I'm pretty sure it's not my own because the heartbeats are very fast. Anyway, I'm just so excited that I have made it through the 12th week mark with no major issues. May the next two trimesters be as kind.

When I have a moment, I will start a new blog and post the link. Thanks for being there for me thus far!

13 Hours of Sleep is NOT Enough

2005-03-12T15:54:00.000-05:00

First off, I am so glad to be able to post again. For a week, I was too tired to get online (again) then after that, we unhooked our computer and packed it so I was without access for about a week. And I can't use the work computer to post so it just sucked. I miss checking up on you ladies so much and I can't wait to do so.

Well, by the title of this post, you can probably tell I've been extremely tired lately. In the past weeks, I've had A LOT, and I mean A LOT of sleep but it is never enough. One day after work, I went straight to bed at 7:00 pm and didn't get up until 8:00 am the next day and I was still tired. All I think about at work is coming home and getting in bed. Mostly it's my fault for stopping the iron supplements but that shit makes me extremely constipated. My doc did recommend Milk of Magnesium but stuff makes me throw up worse than my own morning sickness. My body just didn't agree with its taste. Anyway, I had told myself I'd rather deal with the extra fatigue than to sit in the stall for 30 minutes suffering. Well today, I changed my mind and went back on the iron pills. There's too much to do around here for me to sleep all the time. I gotta have my energy back, even if it means I have to suffer again. L. will take a whole year to straigthen everything out by himself, and he'll complain every step of the way too. Most of the things are mine so I feel inclined to help.

Oh yeah, let me back up a little. Thanks for everyone who shared their stories with me from my last post. And thanks for all the great advice. Some of you ladies had some questions for me too. As for where my b-day gift certificate was to - it was to my favorite mall, which like I said was cool because I have to admit, I am a hard person to shop for. That's the safest thing for L. to get me, but the part that pissed me off was he didn't even include a card, which he knows I LOVE getting (for the messages they convey). Anyway, about the colors I choose for our house - it's all kinds of colors. Here's the breakdown:

Living room - light beige (I know, boring! but we wanted to keep one room neutral)
Dining room - red for the part below the chair rail and rose for the top part
Kitchen - yellowish beige, called Apple Crunch
Family room - lavender (this looks so nice with our cream-colored furniture)
Master bedroom - a beautiful yellow called Resort Tea Yellow (or something like this)
Nursery - soft yellow because we don't know what we're having yet
Guest bedroom - medium blue
Rec room - medium green
Powder room - same as kitchen

We're not sure about our master bath, the guest bath, and hallway yet. We'll do those much later on. Well, so far, we have only painted 3 1/2 rooms. The big painting weekend turned out to be a tiny one. My lovely husband, who by the way, is very good at and loves to communicate (insert laugh), failed to tell me that he had volunteered to work the ENTIRE weekend so he only had time to paint at night. Great! When I found out, I about flipped. I couldn't believe he had volunteered when there was sooooooooo much to do here! But like the loyal-always-going-the-extra-mile worker that he is, he put his job first. And guess what, he worked Sunday for free!!! Isn't that sweet and thoughtful of him?! I could've killed him! Needless to say, very little painting got done on the weekend. We spent the rest of the weeknights going back to the house and scrambling to get as much done as we could. There were some nights where he stayed up until 3:00 am and I until 1:00 am. That was really bad for me because I AM pregnant and very, very tired, like all the time.

On move-in day, there were still plastic coverings, paint buckets, rollers, tape, etc. everywhere! The men found it very difficult to get our large furniture up the stairs and so they put a few dents in our walls and doors, as well as scratches and other nasty marks. Oh and there were four kids here with their parents, so all up and down the walls on the stairs were little black fingerprints and footprints. We'll definitely have to paint over that section. Even though we've tried to clean it, I know it'll happen again when they come over, and with a darker color paint, it will be less noticeable.

It's been a week since we've been here, and like I said, we haven't done much. There is still so much to unpack and the stuff that's been unpacked needs to be organized. I totally hate this part of moving. I wish I could just snap my fingers and everything be in its place. I'm just too tired for this job. I guess it'll get done when it gets done. Oh yeah, and after we finish with everything, I will take pictures, scan them, and post them (wish I had a digital camera).

As for the discharge, the doc told me it was harmless (Thank God!!!!) She said if I don't see any red, I have nothing to worry about. Good thing because no red in sight . . . so far. Since the appt, it's actually gotten lighter - both in color and in amount. This Wed, I have another appt. to listen to their heartbeats (I will be 12 weeks on Thursday!!!) I simply am so excited and can't wait for it to be here. I want to move onto the second and third trimesters already! I can tell that my uterus is growing but it still just looks like I am just fat. I want people to be able to glance at me and know that there is a baby (or in my case, two babies) in there. That this little bulge is for a good reason. I am so anxious to see what they look like now on ultrasound. Don't the insurance companies/doctors know that an infertile like myself, I MUST see my babies on ultrasound every few weeks? It doesn't take but a few minutes and the reassurance is priceless. I still can't believe they only give ONE ultrasound throughout this whole pregnancy (unless there are complications). That just sucks.

Well, I think I've written enough. Sorry if I've put anyone to sleep. I have more to report but it can wait. I'm off to check your updates now!

My Crazy Week

2005-02-25T19:01:00.000-05:00

Wow, I can't believe it's been two weeks since I've posted anything. I have been busy but mostly it's because I've been extremely tired and have been going to bed early. I finally feel a little better to get on the internet and post a few updates.

This Wednesday, we closed on our very FIRST house. We are officially homeowners now! After the closing, we went to Lowe's to pick out paint colors for all of the rooms. It took us (well, mostly me) several hours to do that part. There are just so many colors to choose from! I hope everything I picked out will end up looking great. We purchased 12 gallons of paint, which costs almost $300.00! With supplies, it ended up more than $400.00. This is the big painting weekend and it's going to be quite interesting as we have never painted before. I'm not even sure if we bought all of the right supplies, but my husband seems to think we'll be okay. Actually, I won't be doing much painting. I have to finish some homework for Monday's class and I also need to study for the midterm. So, my husband has enlisted the help of his cousin. He says if I feel like it on Sunday, I can go see if they need any help, but not to worry. They probably won't need me. I might just go over anyway, just to make sure they haven't ruined anything.

Yesterday was my 29th birthday. The weather was pretty nasty and all morning long, I didn't hear from L. to wish me a happy birthday. Finally, around 11:45, I called him up and asked him if he remembered what day it was. He responded casually, "Yes, it's your birthday."

"Well . . . . ," I said. And that's when he said "Oh yeah, Happy Birthday." Pitiful, right? That just got me angry because I did so much on his birthday to show him how special he was to me and on mine, he couldn't even take a minute to call me! He said he had been "busy." Sometimes, I feel like he's completely void of any human emotions and I just want to strangle or shake him to death.

Then when I got home from work, all he got me was a gift certificate. I mean that's nice but there was no card and no words of love. That was it - that's all that my birthday meant to him. At bedtime, I was still disappointed and pissed off at him so when he wanted some lovin, I pushed and I shoved and I kicked. The last thing I wanted was his mean, sweaty body all over me. I told him straight out how he had hurt my feelings and therefore, I didn't want to be intimate with him. He said he was sorry, but that he doesn't understand why I make such a big deal out of a birthday - it just represents people aging. He said he doesn't care about his and if I don't do anything, he wouldn't get upset at all. I told him I wasn't like him and that it is a very special day because it is the anniversary of one's birth. And because you're happy and grateful that your loved one was born on that day, you try to make them feel special, even if it's just with a few loving words. He didn't get it. (In case anyone's wondering, he wasn't this way when we were dating. If I had known he would be like this later on, I probably wouldn't have married him.)

Sometimes I don't know how I'm able to stay married to someone who clearly is so different from me. He is such a jerk and selfish bastard at times. Believe me, it is not easy being married to a man with few emotions. When I read about other women's husband's being to understanding and thoughtful, I get so jealous. My husband is FAR, FAR from that. When he does come close, it makes me want to document it because I know it won't happen again for a long, long time. Man, I've had my share of heartbreak and frustration with him but I guess I haven't been unhappy enough to leave. Maybe our children will teach him how to love a little better.

Needless to say, I had a pretty crummy birthday. Well, you know I'm not looking forward to next year's - just more of the same thoughtless shit.

Yeah, this week's been quite a week. I went from a high when closing on our first house to a very depressing low on my b-day. L. sure knows how to bring me down. Well, it's not going to get any better in the next few days. Like I said earlier, I have lots of homework and studying to do this weekend. Then on Tuesday, I have my 2nd OB appt and I'm kind of scared. This week, I've been noticing some yellowish-brown discharge and I'm worried. I know clear or milky discharge is normal but what about this? I guess I'll call my doctor on Monday and see what he says. I hope it's nothing serious. I'm currently 9 weeks and I REALLY want to make it to the 12th week mark with no other worries.

Well, I'll update again soon. Hope everyone is doing well.

Back from CA With 2nd Ultrasound Results

2005-02-13T15:58:00.000-05:00

Wow, the past week seems like a blur to me. Our trip to CA went by so fast and I can't believe I'm back in NC, away from my beloved family once again. Though the reason for flying out there was not a good one, I looked forward to the trip. Seeing my mom, brothers, sisters, niece, nephews, and old friends felt incredibly nice. After the sad goodbye tears to my step-dad, there were more tears, but tears of joy from my PG news (not everyone knew about it).

I had explained to them all that we could not see embie B's heartbeat during the first ultrasound, but we were hopeful. They told me not to worry - that everything would turn out all right. It was comforting to have everyone be so positive because it helped eased my worries tremendously. I have to admit that just about every few minutes, I thought and prayed for that embie no matter what I was doing. (Was it selfish of me when the focus should have been on my step-dad? I hope he can understand and forgive me . . . I was so afraid to come home to more bad news.)

Well, I had my second ultrasound early Thursday morning. I went there alone and still quite nervous about the results of embie B. When we saw the heartbeat of embie A again, that relaxed me somewhat. I held my breath as she moved the wand lower in search of the other one and wished fiercefully inside my head, "PLEASE, LET IT HAVE A HEARTBEAT! PLEASE, LET IT HAVE A HEARTBEAT!" When she found embie B at first, it didn't look like there was anything happening but as she held the wand still, I saw a light flicker coming from the center of it. I thought I had imagined it so I yelled out like a madwoman, "Can you see that little flicker? Is that the heartbeat? Is it?!" I'm sure she wanted to tell me "hush" and let her do her job but she just said, "It looks like it. Let me get the rate."

As it turned out, I was NOT imagining it and that WAS embie B's heartbeat!! Oh, you would not believe the amount of relief and joy I felt. I really wanted L. to be there with me, but since he was not, I called him immediately after the appt. and gave him the good news. Embie A's heartbeat measured at 124 bpm and Embie B's measured at 117 bpm, which makes sense because embie B is growing a couple of days behind. At that time, I didn't know if these were good numbers - I was just glad to see heartbeats on both of them! When I met with my R.E. to go over the ultrasound later, she didn't say anything was wrong with those numbers. She just congratulated me again and sent me on my way. I'm guessing the heartbeats are normal.

Currently, I am doing everything in my power to stay healthy to ensure that my embies thrive. Ever since I got the call last week from my OB that my blood test revealed I am anemic (again), I have been taking vitamins (Flintstones because the prenatal pills make me throw up) and an extra iron supplement called Slow FE. I've noticed a change in my energy level. For the most part, this PG has been pretty good to me. I've only began having morning sickness a few days ago, but that goes away right after I eat something. The only other noticeable thing is that my boobs are still sore all the time. If it continues this way, I'll be the happiest PG woman in the world.

By the way, once I get past 12 weeks, I am planning on updating on a new blog. I don't know what it'll be called yet but I will let everyone know. I wouldn't want to keep updating on this one since the name will no longer be appropriate. And I don't want to change the title on this one. This one represents a chapter in my life that I do not want to erase or delete.

I REALLY, REALLY want to thank ALL OF YOU for being there for me all this time and and possibly in the future (I can't stress this enough!) I totally understand how hard this can be for some as I have been where you are for a very long time myself. There were days when I didn't feel like reading about other people's success. And even when I felt strong enough to click on their site again, it still stung to read about their updates. The one thing that kept me strong enough to keep reading was the hope and faith that it would be my turn one day. If I lose some of you as readers, I will totally understand. But I hope that you'll stay because it is also due to all of you, esp. those who have been coming to support me week after week, that gave me the wisdom and courage to get this far. I am still praying for your miracles too.

I Think I'll Exhale Now

2005-02-02T19:38:00.000-05:00

Quick Update (feeling extremely tired and need to go to bed early for our very early flight tomorrow):

* Saw OB yesterday

* He recommended I get an ultrasound ASAP due to my very tight abdomen

* This morning, I got one at the RE clinic

* They found several cysts on BOTH my ovaries (Shit!)

* But . . . they also found TWO EMBIES! I about fell off the chair!!!

* We saw a heartbeat on the larger embie (measured at 5w 6d)

* The second embie was a little smaller (measured at 5w 4d) so we didn't see one

* Going back next Thursday to check my cysts and heartbeat of second embie (PLEASE Grow! Grow! Grow!)

* I am finally able to really relax for the first time!

Obviously, L. and I are beyond happy. We never expected our first IUI to work, much less resulting in two embies. I know the road ahead is long and uncertain but getting this far will forever bring a smile to my face and warm my heart.

I sincerely thank each of you for all of your well wishes and prayers. They have really pulled me through some really tough times. May all of you also get your little miracles very, very soon! Lots of love and prayers your way!

One Life Begins & Another One Ends

2005-01-27T19:05:00.000-05:00

It's funny how life works. Right in the middle of all your happiness and excitement, something terribly sad and painful could be thrown into the mix. This was my case last Friday after I had just finished talking to my mom during my lunch hour, relaying the fabulous news of my second beta results. Only hours after this, my younger sister (the pregnant one) telephoned me at work. I thought it was odd because she has never done that. If she needed me, she always called my cell phone first.

Well, it totally caught me off guard when she blurted out, "I know you just found out that you're pregnant and you're happy and all, but I have some very bad news."

I wondered what could be such bad news. The last time I talked to them, everyone was doing fine. My initial thought was that it had something to do with her baby because she had been so sick. But then she told me something that I hadn't expected to happen now - my step-dad (her real dad), had collapsed and stopped breathing a short while ago in his son's home. They called the medics and they resuscitated him, but he was unable to breathe on his own so they had to put him on life support. ON LIFE SUPPORT!!! Wow, that blew my mind. I knew his chances of making it without the life support would be very slim then.

My step-dad has been battling diabetes, high blood pressure, and a list of other illnesses for years now. Over the past 3-4 years, he has lost a significant amount of weight. The last time I saw him in 2003, he looked like skin and bones but he was still able to get around and cook for himself. We all thought he was going to be okay for another few years or so. Never had we imagined this would be the last year we would see him.

Call me selfish, but I REALLY wanted him to meet my first baby before he had to go. There aren't any grandkids from the girls side and I wanted to be the first (since I'm the oldest daughter). Well, now he won't ever meet any of his daughters' children (there are five of us). I don't even know if he knew that I had just found out I was pregnant days before he died. I know he would've been thrilled for us because he also knew of the struggles we went through to get here.

Next Thursday, L. and I are flying out for dad's funeral. It will be held on Monday, the 7th but we have a lot of preparation work to do prior to that. It is our tradition to have a 2 1/2 day ritual before the burial. There will be a ton of cooking, cleaning, and staying up all night to service the guests who come by to pay their respect. And there will be hundreds of guests. The funeral home will be opened 24 hrs. a day and most of us will have to stay there the entire time. It will no doubt be exhausting but that is our tradition and I'm sure that is what dad would have wanted.

This is minor compared to my step-dad's passing, but since we are going to be out of town next week, I will miss my viability ultrasound at the R.E. clinic. I have rescheduled it for the 10th and will update as soon as I can. I hope that dad will be watching over all of us from above. We love you so much dad, and we'll miss you like crazy! May God take care of you now.

A Sigh of Relief

2005-01-22T13:39:00.000-05:00

Phew! My second beta came back tripling at 1386. I was so nervous when the nurse called me at work, but when she started out with, "Katie, your numbers came back great!," the knot in my stomach loosened up.

So I guess by this number, it's not likely to be twins. My husband was kind of disappointed. He says we should have twins (a boy and a girl) to make up for all those years we struggled to conceive. Hey, part of me agrees but there are also a lot of complications with twins, especially because I am not tall nor in the best physical shape. One healthy baby is much more important right now.

The nurse told me that since my numbers are looking really good, there's no need for anymore betas. My first ultrasound to check viability is on Feb. 4th. They also asked me to make an appt. with my regular OB/GYN ASAP! That appt. will be on Feb. 1st. (I wonder if he'll give me an ultrasound or just tell me I need to take multivitamins.)

Well now, I'm worried about the viability ultrasound appt. (the worrying never stops!) It will either put 99% of my fears to rest or turn this whole experience upside down. God, PLEASE let me see a bean in there!!! And let it be healthy! I have waited patiently for so long for this miracle - don't take it away now!

To be honest, I have not been able to be relax or let myself be completely happy about this. I'm kind of in denial and every day feels unreal. When I feel slight cramping or when I feel my breasts still sore as ever, I am reminded that I'm pregnant but at the same time, I don't really believe it. Me? Pregnant? Is this really happening?! Sometimes, I think I'm dreaming and I'll wake up soon and the tears will continue to fall like they have for years and I'll still be bitter and angry at the world/God and I'll continue to see others around me give birth year after year and on and on.

I do have moments where a happy teardrop falls and I rub my belly and think, "This is REALLY happening to me. There IS a baby growing inside of me. And everything IS GOING to work out. I DESERVE this. I should just be HAPPY and not worry so much - RELAX, RELAX!" These moments, like I said, are few though.

Hoping my first ultrasound will put my mind and heart at ease. Lord knows it's time to stop all the pain and suffering.

Beta Results!

2005-01-19T21:04:00.000-05:00

Hi everyone! THANK YOU ALL for your encouragement and congratulations! I truly do feel like I have friends here who really care about my quest to become a mommy.

All right, here's my beta results - it came back at 434. What do you all think of this number? I thought it was kind of high (I vaguely remember one nurse saying it's usually in the 200's). Does anyone think this number is representative of twins? I'm really not all that up to speed on betas since I've never had one.

Well, I go back on Friday to see how this number is increasing. May it at least double! I won't have a single doubt then. Again, thanks for everyone's comments. They really lift my spirits up . . . and I hope to do the same for some of you when you get your positives!

***

For Deanna at "The Open Door": I've been unable to leave you comments for a few days now. Any idea why? Email me your email address and if I'm still unable to post comments, I'll email them to you. Thanks!

This Is UNREAL!

2005-01-18T20:26:00.000-05:00

I couldn't wait to test on Wed - the day I'm supposed to - so I broke out the hpt's last night and this morning.

You'll never guess what I saw ---------------------------------- yes, TWO freaking lines!!! That's NEVER EVER EVER happened before in all the FIVE years that we've been trying to conceive.

Of course, I'm erring on the cautious side. I'm well aware of all the possibilities; however, I am nonetheless bursting with happiness. This is a HUGE milestone for me.

My first beta is tomorrow morning so I'll post again when I get home from work. I hope all will go well.

A Bad Feeling

2005-01-16T20:59:00.000-05:00

I'll get straight to the point - there's 3 days before I test and as much as I WANT and pray for that stupid test to be positive, I have a very, very bad feeling that it will not. Why, you ask? Well, this morning I felt a tiny hint of cramping. And I know what that means - evil AF is looming near. I wish that if she is coming indeed, she'll at least be one day late so I will have the opportunity to test on Wed. morning with my last shred of hope. My boobs are still very sore like someone squeezed them really hard. I have been studying them, in hopes of finding something unusual (darker areola, bumps around the areola, extra prominent veins), but not.one.single.thing is out of place. (Note: since I'm fair-skinned, I already have many large, green, nasty-looking veins running all over my chest - I was hoping that more had appeared or at least they got nastier, but no such luck.)

The good thing about all this is that I have prepared myself for the best and the worst. If a miracle should happen and I end up PG, I will cry the entire day out of happiness. And if a tragedy should happen and I end up not PG, I will cry the entire day out of misery. Either way, a lot of crying is in the plan. But don't worry, folks. This gal has LOTS of tears stored away for immediate demand. Sometimes, they even flow freely for no reason. I guess it's no wonder I feel and look like I retain a lot of water - I need it for all the crying moments in my life (which has been plentiful lately.)

*****

As I mentioned previously, yesterday, we went house-hunting for our very first home. We looked at 7 homes and only saw two that we really liked. They were brand-new and large (2,600 and 3,000 sq ft) for less than $167,000 each, BUT being that they are in a spanking new development, we won't get more than five feet of backyard and we simply can't accept that. We love to entertain and must have a decent-sized yard. Plus, I want enough space to put an above-ground swimming pool in and enough space for my kid(s) (yeah, I know - what kids?) to run around and play. Call me crazy but I'm looking for a house that my future kid(s) will also love and be able to utilize as well as L. and I. (Hey, if I'm still thinking about kids, I guess that's a good sign, right?)

Ouch! Don't Touch These!

2005-01-12T18:39:00.000-05:00

So all the drama in my ovaries/uterus is gone, but the boobs want attention now. Since yesterday, they've been very, very sore and tender. I also find that my nipples are very hard. They hurt even when I brush against them. Needless to say, I've been doing a lot of yelling at L. because he gets careless and keeps touching them by accident when he tosses and turns in bed. I truly think it's the hcg shot causing all this so I'm not obsessing over it. Did anyone else experience very sore boobs after getting the hcg shot?

Onto other news - some of you might know that L. and I are in the process of buying a house. This Saturday, we'll start the actual house hunting. I AM SO EXCITED!!! This will be our very first home so I simply CAN'T WAIT to be a home owner. I know it's a lot of responsibilities but we're ready for it. We want a house that's 2000 sq ft or close to that. This may not be that big to some people, but it will be plenty of space for the two of us (and hopefully, a little baby soon!) It's good that I have to distract me until the BIG test day next Wed.

I'll post again if I experience any new symptoms and if we see any houses that I am head over heels over. Hope everyone is having a nice week!

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

2005-01-07T22:11:00.000-05:00

Muah! I love everyone who comes to visit me. I can't begin to explain how much all you mean to me. I have not only learned so much from everyone but I have received an incredible amount of understanding and compassion (which is more than I can say for my OWN family!) So, thank you for making this a place a place where I can come to for support and much, much more.

Okay, now onto to today's rant - I'm feeling A LOT more aches around my ovaries now. Those poor things have been stimulated like never before. Actually, I don't believe I've ever had a single follicle ove 10mm in the past. When I was on Clomid, my Gyn. never checked my follies, only checked my hormones, which were right on according to him. So I never really knew how big they got, only that my hormones were saying things looked "okay." But what do hormones really tell us anyway? My family physician once told me that sometimes doctors don't know you have a problem because your tests come back borderline so they assume you are okay, but really you're not.

Every time I had a test done, the results would come back "normal." But if I'm so "normal", how come I don't have regular periods? Huh? What's so normal about that? Something must be out of sync. My only regret is that I wasted more than a year on seeing my Gyno. I wish I had moved on to a R.E. MUCH SOONER. I just kept thinking that the Gyno. was going to find my problem any day and help me correct it. But after a year, when his lack of concern started becoming more and more apparent, I suddenly realized I needed to move on. I mean the man put me on Clomid for 9 months and never gave me an ultrasound to check my follies! Most doctors only recommend Clomid for 6 months and they check the follies. My RE now is not much more better in the concern dept. but at least she's willing to monitor me and give me actual data, like size of my follies and my E2 level.

But back to my point, I don't think my follies ever grew bigger than 10mm. So, this time, they got shocked and are now retaliating. I'm feeling punches left and right, people. Does anyone know how long this pain will last? I hope it will subside within a week.

Recap of the BIG DAY

2005-01-06T18:34:00.000-05:00

Well, the IUI yesterday was pretty uneventful. Here it is in bullet form:

* I'm in a room and undressed from the waist down.

* Nurse lady comes in with L's sperm in a glass tube (there's hardly any, it seems).

* Ask her about quantity and quality of sperm & she tells me the count is 33mil with 91% motility (much better than what I expected since L. hasn't quit smoking . . . I've been on his tail about it too but now it looks like he has one less excuse to quit - DARN!)

* Next, she has me open up wide so my nether region is exposed in all it's glory (seriously though cuz I just shaved four days ago!)

* While she is trying to insert the sperm-filled tube inside of me, my legs keep wanting to move closer and closer together. She tells me twice to spread my legs "like a frog." I suddenly have an image of a frog doing IUI! Too funny!

* Takes her three tries until the tube goes all the way up. Turns out my cervix is slightly curved. (Thank God it worked the third time! After the second attempt, I started to get paranoid.)

* When finished, she turns the chair upside down to aide the sperm in moving faster in the right direction. I am supposed to stay like this only for 10 minutes, but she gets tied up with another patient so it ends up to be 20 minutes! (Actually, I could've gotten off the chair sooner but I figured if I wasn't getting dizzy, I could stay that way for a while. What is it going to hurt?)

* When I get through hanging like a bat, she sends me on my way home and tells me I could test in two weeks with a HPT. Also tells me I am to start the Crinone (vaginal progesterone gels) on Thursday night.

That's it - that's the entire recap of my experience. I had waited for SOOOOOOOO long to do this and it wasn't even all that special. Actually, it was less eventful than a pap smear. I guess it's a GOOD thing.

I didn't have much bloating or cramps after the procedure but today, I'm feeling it more. I must have ovulated (I HOPE!) I pray that at least one of them dang eggs get fertilized - that's all I'm asking!

Now . . . I wait, and wait, and wait. WILL.TRY.NOT.TO.OBSESS.OVER.EVERY.LITTLE.TWINGE.PULL.OR.ACHE.

Tell me, will this be possible?

Wednesday - The BIG Day

2005-01-04T21:06:00.000-05:00

Today's Update:

Follicle Size: One measuring at 16mm, several others between 10-15mm

E2 Level: Over 6000 (this just keeps getting better, doesn't it?)

Plan of Action: IUI scheduled for tomorrow morning at 10:00 a.m. (Holy shit! I wasn't expecting this so soon!)

Mood: Freakishly Nervous and Excited (I hope I don't pass out before I get there tomorrow!)

Can You Repeat That Number Please?!?!

2005-01-03T19:10:00.000-05:00

So, my ultrasound this morning was unremarkable again. The biggest follicle measure 14mm. Shitty, shitty, shitty! Nurse instructed me to keep feeding my system with the Gonal F. Since I only had enough for tonight, I would have to buy another pen. (Just what I wanted to hear, right?)

Well, I decided to hold off calling IVP for a refill until they called me back with my b/w results. I wanted to know if my E2 number had risen and exactly how many more pens I needed. Around 11:00 am, the nurse called back and firmly instructed, "DO NOT give yourself an injection tonight and DO NOT buy anymore meds! Come back tomorrow for another ultrasound and more bloodwork."

I asked her why the change of plans and she told me that my E2 level had come back at over 4000!

"What?! Did you say over 4000?" I thought I had heard wrong since I was trying to fall asleep when she called. (I've been suffering from insomnia these past few days from the meds.)

"Yes." She answered. "Over 4000. That is VERY, VERY high."

"No shit." I thought. "The last time I was there, it was only 277."

My first thought was that they had made a mistake but I was too exhausted to question her so I went back to bed. Later on in the afternoon, I decided to call them back to confirm the number and that they wanted me back the next morning.

Sure enough, I wasn't dreaming up this wacko story. I should've known - my body would let me down. Such a freaking high number and NOT.ONE.SINGLE mature follicle.

Tell me, is it time for me to give up yet?? Am I just chasing a dream that I simply can't have? Cuz it feels that way. The closer I think I am to reaching it, the more obstacles I encounter. Please let this be the last obstacle if I am meant to have biological children.

Big Fat Loser (Literally)

2004-12-30T21:13:00.000-05:00

That's what I am right now. The meds have made me gained at least four inches around the waist because my pants have gotten tighter. I feel bloated and full all the time and I blame it all on the meds because I haven't been eating much due to the food poisoning. Before today, I thought, "Fine. If I have to gain a little weight to achieve conception, so be it!" But today, I feel differently.

My ultrasound revealed nothing exciting. I saw two very large follicles (or at least they looked large on the monitor), but sadly, they only measured 10 mm each. WTF??? Only 10 mm, I asked. Shouldn't they be larger by now? She gave me some kind of off answer to make me feel better (smart girl). Oh yeah, my E2 was only at 277. The nurse again told me this is lower than usual. Yeah, I suspected as much when my follies were unremarkable.

So basically, I'm a big, fat loser . . . and now I have the belly of a 7-month pregnant woman to prove it. It appeared the only thing the meds were really doing to me was adding fat to my already fat belly. (Thanks a lot!) My poor eggs were almost completely ignored. Hmmmm . . . I wonder if I should I try injecting the damn meds directly INTO my ovaries?! Would that help, you think? I'm willing to try anything (getting anxious and very desperate here). I've been injecting them into my belly, like the video and nurse suggested, and I'm wondering if they're just being eaten up by my endless layers of fat.

After the appt., I spent the drive to work in tears. Then later, I spent the drive home from work in the same fashion. My glasses got so blurry, I couldn't see the anything around me. It got worse when I took my glasses off because I rely heavily on them for driving. So I was crying and trying to clean my glasses at the same time. (I know - very, very dangerous.) I apologize for being hazard on the road today. Fortunately, I made it to work and home safely.

When L. came home at 7:00 pm, the uncontrollable crying episode started back up again. We had just sat down to eat dinner and I couldn't do it. My eyes wanted to do their business first and so they wept and wept and wept . . . for about 10 good minutes before I could touch my plate. I didn't have much of an apetite but I knew I had to eat something. I didn't want to eat later around 10:00 pm right before I would go to bed.

Throughout my tears, I kept saying I didn't know what the eff is wrong with my body and I didn't understand why my life is so effed up - why everything had to be so damn complicated. Well, I said something else too that hurt his feelings so he started yelling. This ensued through dinner, me with a sobbing, wet face and he with hurt feelings. Afterwards, we decided to make up. We didn't want to stay angry because we know we REALLY, REALLY need each other at this time. Apologies were said, and I'm feeling a lot better right now (that's how I'm able to type all of this.) Although very disappointed in the ultrasound results, I am still a little hopeful.

The plan is to remain on 150 IU a day until Monday. I'm supposed to go in for another ultrasound and if things haven't changed much, my RE will finally increase my dosage, which means I will have to pay more. I just hope it won't have to be more than one pen. We simply can't afford very much more right now. We're trying to save all of our money so we can get approved for a reasonable loan to buy a house. After we get the house, it will be much easier to pay for all of this.

Where are those rich grandparents when you need them? Does anyone have any they can loan me for a while?

Day 5 of Stims

2004-12-27T22:15:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted about this, but I ordered my injectables (Gonal F) last Wed. and this is the 5th day I've been using it. L. has been giving me the shots although the needle isn't much to be afraid of. I just can't handle poking myself. Hopefully, this is the first and last time I'll have to worry about this.

Well, this morning (after stimming for 4 nights), I went in for bloodwork and the nurse said my number (E2?) was 69. She said they'd really like to see it somewhere in the 100's. So, it looks like I'm a slow responder. Big surprise, huh?? But the nurse said they're not gonna up my dosage yet since this is my first time on injectables and it's kind of too soon to see much progress anyway. I'm not sure if the last part was a lie or not.

Anyway, she told me to go back Thursday morning for another ultrasound to see if anything is growing, and my RE will let me know what the next step is. I REALLY hope that my eggs will be doing something by then. I'm afraid of increasing the dosage because the last time she increased the dosage of my Clomid, I suffered severe side effects. I don't even want to know what this stronger med will do to me. But then who knows, it might not be as bad.

I'll post another update on Thursday.

I hope everyone had a nice holiday! I did . . . except for the awful food poisoning!!! Hope it goes away by tomorrow because I have to go back to work!

The Incredible List - REVISED

2004-12-21T20:03:00.000-05:00

1. L's 1st SIL (2)
2. L's 2nd SIL (2)
3. L's 3rd SIL (1)
4. L's 3rd youngest sis (2)
5. L's cousin, P. (1)
6. L's cousin, J. (1)
7. L's cousin, Y. (1)
8. L's cousin, M. (1)
9. L's cousin, N. (PG)
10. L's cousin's wife, K. (1)
11. L's cousin's wife, P. (1)
12. L's cousin's wife, S. (1)
13. L's cousin's wife, A. (1) & (PG)
14. L's cousin's wife, M. (1) & (PG)
15. L's distant cousin, N. (2)
16. L's distant cousin, M. (2)
17. L's distant cousin's wife (2)
18. L's distant cousin's wife (2)
19. L's aunt, M. (2)
20. My younger sis (PG)
21. My step-cousin, N. (1) & (PG)
22. My step-cousin, L. (PG)
23. My step-cousin, M. (1)
24. My step-cousin's wife (1)

Okay, let me explain what this list means: Twenty-four is the number of people who have had kids and/or are currently pregnant, the number in () beside each person is the total # of babies that that person has had, and the (PG) means that they are currently pregnant - this is all since we have been trying to conceive. (Note: the average children for all of these women is four - some of them have up to EIGHT children!)

Also, these are just the people who are related to us and whom I have had contact with during their pregnancies and/or seen their babies after they were born. I am not including the other relatives/friends that I wasn't a part of their pregnancies . . . because this list would be enormous if that was the case.

The total number of pregnancies that I have dealt with and am still dealing with is . . . are you ready? -------------------------------------------------- A WHOPPING 35!!!!!!! This number is quite amazing, isn't it?

Yes, witnessing/hearing about 35 pregnancies by 24 women within the last five years is quite extraordinary, esp. when 19 of those women live within miles of us. And every single time one of those 19 women gave birth, I have visited them and their newborn(s), bearing gifts and a genuine happy face (more so in the beginning of my journey), and a heart full of hope that one day, I would soon be in their shoes.

Next year, some more babies will be born by these women in our lives and I don't know if I'll be able to bear it if I'm not PG by summertime. I don't think I will have the strength to be strong anymore. I just don't think I will. Would you blame me?

I'm so torn between mixed emotions. On one hand, I tell myself, "Forget all of this! I can have a happy and fulfilling life without having children. Others are doing it and so can I. I can't let infertility define my whole existence. Just look at the many people who are fertile and yet, are still unhappy and wished they never had kids."

On the other hand, I tell myself, "No! I can't give up! Not yet anyway. I'm only 28. I know I will never be truly happy without children. I was born to be a mom and dammit, I won't stop until I get there. I don't want to be old and have no children or grandchildren to visit me. I don't want to spend the rest of the holidays with just L. and I. Family is everything to me and what kind of life will I really have without some kids?"

Some days are so much harder than others and this past week has definitely been one of the harder ones. I became very angry, depressed, and hopeless, but I think I'm still forging ahead. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything will soon work out. That's my motto anyway - "Things Have a Way of Working Out." So far, everything else in my life has done this. We'll see if my inability to conceive and all this unexplained bleeding will "work out." These are my Christmas wishes. I hope they come true.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!

It Might Be a Clue

2004-12-14T20:03:00.000-05:00

Well, I had another visit yesterday with my Gyno. I hate them because they only mean one thing - that my body's fucked up again. I can't believe I've been bleeding for this long (almost two months now). Every day for the past few weeks, I've been praying, hoping, and wishing that it will be the last day but it never stopped. Just last week, it started getting heavier again so I'm pretty sure I'm onto my second cycle now.

Well . . . so much for my plans of starting the injectables this month. How can I do anything since my body is obviously so messed up that it doesn't know when to stop bleeding! I think it's trying to tell me something because every time I get excited about trying something new, it goes haywire and prevents me from doing it. I think it might be a clue that I'm just not ever going to have this - this dream of carrying my child and giving birth. Maybe I need to realize that I have to stop fighting this battle with IF because I can't and won't win. Whomever/whatever out there has been trying to give me hints. I mean if all of my doctors (who have all had years of education and experience) can't figure out what the hell is wrong with me, maybe no one ever will. I might just be clinging on to wasted hope and I need to quit this before it destroys me and my marriage. This is so frustrating!!!

Anyway, my Gyno. took a tissue sample from my endometrium yesterday (which was fucking painful BTW!) He also prescribed Prometrium for me to take for 6 days then go back to see him next Wed. They will give me a vaginal ultrasound then and the results from my tissue sample. I hope it's not Hyperplasia again. God, I don't want to have another D&C! I felt awful and so freaking disoriented after the last one. It's something I'd like to avoid at ALL cost. I'm hoping that the Prometrium will do its job and stop this freakish period once and for all.

Speaking of stopping AF once and for all, I have done some serious thinking about this. Having a period has caused me more heartache and pain than it is worth. I spend almost 3/4 of every year bleeding like some wounded animal. And I repeat, NO doctor of mine has been able to find a cause for this. It either just stops by itself after a few months because it finally gets bored of torturing me or the docs do something to make it stop. So as you can see, trying to have a kid has not been exactly easy or convenient with all of this bleeding.

I've made a decision that I'm positive will put an end to this madness . . . are you ready for it?

I will . . . . . . . . . . . . . get a hysterectomy (IF my body continues to behave this way for the next year). Of course, I will consult a third or fourth doctor about my problem before actually going through with it but I think it's a valid option for me. I know some of you may think this move is a little drastic. And I know there are risks and disadvantages involved, such as NEVER EVER BEING ABLE TO CARRY A BABY (like my chances are real good with a uterus anyway!) or worse, dying. But, I think it will be worth it. I simply can't go on bleeding for months at a time. It is too cruel seeing the blood, being reminded that I am supposed to be able to conceive and carry a child in my womb, and yet, never ever see it happen. At least without the uterus, I will never ever see a period again in my life and I won't be reminded day after day of what I CAN'T DO.

Oh yeah, over the weekend, the knife in my heart got twisted a a few times more - I found out that our 18-yr. old cousin gave birth to a sweet baby boy and the wife of another 21-yr. old cousin gave birth to a sweet baby girl. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh, isn't that precious?? One got pregnant without hardly trying and the other got pregnant by accident. I get so damned pissed off when I think about this. Here they are, holding their precious babies, smelling, touching, and kissing every part of thier babies soft little bodies; taking in every little thing about them like an artist admiring his masterpiece after months and months of work. And here I am, still alone without my much-wanted baby in my arms, a heart full of disappearing hope, and best of all, an endless supply of bleeding episodes that lasts for months which takes away all possibility of ever getting to the finish line one day.

Please excuse me while I go cry the night away. I'm just feeling very low right now. I feel slighted by God/whoever/whatever is watching over me. I used to believe so much that if I was a good person, I would not be forsaken. Now, I'm not so sure.

I Think My Nose Is About to Fall Off!

2004-12-05T19:02:00.000-05:00

I'm not feeling well. Honestly, I feel like crap. On Friday morning, I started getting the sniffles at work and by nightfall, I developed a fever. And all week long, I had been looking forward to the weekend so I could continue my holiday shopping (started last week). I knew being sick was going to take most of the fun out. By Saturday morning, the flu was really having a party with my system. Oh man, I was soooooooooooo bummed! I haven't had it in two years because I've been getting the flu shot (yay!), but because of the shortage this year, I'm out of luck. It has found it's way back into my system and making my life miserable!

Being that I was SO LOOKING FORWARD to my weekend of shopping frenzy, I couldn't accept the idea of just lying in bed the whole weekend. After taking some Tylenol, I waited appx. a half hour until I felt a tad bit better and drove myself to the stores. I had no makeup on and my hair was barely combed but still I went. If you weren't out shopping on Saturday morning, let me tell you - it was a zoo, folks! There was a huge sales at Kohls and people were everywhere! The sale was only from 6:00 am to noon so it got really crowded by 10:00 am. I guess everyone loves a bargain. I got an incredible amount of neat gifts at half the original price. I was so happy and was glad that I went. It takes more than something like the flu to keep this girl from hitting the stores on a weekend.

As of right now, I am still very congested and snotty (blowing my nose EVERY TWO seconds - not an exxageration!) However, I am glad that the Tylenol is doing it's job in lowering my temperature. I can't stand it when my body burns up and I get the chills at the same time. It's the most uncomfortable feeling ever. I feel like I just want to kill myself and get it over with.

Well, I've thought about not be going to work tomorrow . . . and maybe Tuesday. I simply can't blow my nose constantly at work and still do my job. Plus, I don't want to get anyone else sick. I sit closely to a couple of people and many others come by for assistance. I know I get all freaked out when someone sick talks to me - because I have a weak immune system and I'll definitely catch whatever they have. We'll see how I feel in the morning. I'm gonna go dig through my medicine cabinet for congestion medicine. I hope it'll help.

Needless to say, I am so behind in reading my fav. blogs. Forgive me if I have not visited your blog in a few days. With my recent sickness and internet problems (we have the sorry-ass dial-up connection), I haven't been online much. I will play catchup when I can. I hope everyone had a fabulous weekend and is doing great! Only three weeks to go until Christmas!

Thanksgiving Dinner & More PG News

2004-11-30T21:43:00.000-05:00

We're back from spending Thanksgiving at the in-laws. This year, the drama was waaaaaaaaaaaaay less than the past years - mostly due to our decision to just keep it within the immediate family. This meant we didn't invite any of our uncles, aunts, first/second/third cousins, other distant relatives, or friends like we usually do. Like I said, we kept it small and just for the immediate family, which is already a pretty large crowd (close to 30 people!). Can you imagine us plus everyone else? It's like feeding a small army! No wonder this year, everyone agreed to downsizing our dinner party.

This holiday used to be more of a bad dream than a cherished and special occasion like the way it's meant to be because in the past years, there have been SOOOOO many people at the in-laws for Thanksgiving. The majority of these people don't even realize the meaning behind "Thanksgiving Day," and so they don't give any "thanks" to anything before stuffing their faces. Plus, their conduct and behaviors really stink. Sometimes, I feel quite ashamed to be around some of the adults there because they're constantly bickering and yelling at their kids. It really saddens me to see all of this going on on this very special day. Deanna at The Open Door mirrored my thoughts exactly in her post on the 24th. I totally related to this line - "The lack of concern and "thanksgiving" that takes place, makes me wish I could even volunteer at a soup kitchen to feed the homeless a Thanksgiving dinner rather than spend the day with people who have no sense of the spirit of familial love and holiday joy."

If it weren't for my husband's wishes to be with his family (as embarrassing and shameless as some of them may be) and my enjoyment from seeing all of the children there, we would NEVER EVER attend another holiday gathering with them again. I'm just so glad that this year, it wasn't half as bad as it used to be. Hopefully, it will be this way from now on until we can start holding these holiday dinners at our house.

I hope everyone had a good one. If you have any unique or interesting stories to share, please do so. I'd love to hear them!

More PG Women in My Life

Well, I'll get right to it - my little sis called me last night. She said she's been sick the past week, throwing up, not able to keep anything down, and having a very keen sense of smell. So, she took a HPT and got a BFP. She said she doesn't want to tell mom or the rest of the family until a doctor confirms this but I know she is very pregnant.

She said that now she might be pregnant for sure, she is very nervous because they're not financially stable. I said, "Heck, forget financially stable. How about just being able to afford the bare essentials for the baby? Will you guys be able to manage that on one income?" She said no. I told her she better tell that husband of hers to go get a job NOW! We know he's gotten used to not working but a baby is on the way so he better get off his ass and start taking care of his family. Despite her money worries, she's very excited about this baby. I think they'll find a way to make everything okay. Afterall, his parents live a few miles away and I'm sure they'll be helping out plenty.

When my sister told me the news, I was surprisingly calm and collected. My voice didn't wavered, my tears didn't gush out uncontrollably, and my heart didn't crack into a million pieces. I was really okay with it. Of course, I felt jealous and a bit pissed off at my own body but overall, I was realistic about it. I mean I can't hate my sister for being able to do something so natural. It's what our bodies are supposed to do. I was actually relieved to know that she doesn't have any infertility issues since I know firsthand how painful that can be. Believe it or not, I am truly happy for her because I know she'll be a good mom. And I'm looking forward to meeting my new nephew or niece. If everything works out for me in January, that little one will have a new cousin as well. Keeping my fingers crossed so hard!

Oh yeah, also just found out that L.'s first cousin, who is 18 years old, is pregnant after four months of being married to her second husband. I know she was trying to have a baby with her first husband (he passed away due to cancer), so I am happy for her too.

I am hoping beyond hope that I'll be the next one to announce this happy news to everyone! Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers. Thanks.

It's Always About Money Sigh

2004-11-16T22:25:00.000-05:00

My appt. today went all right. I informed my RE of our concerns with the IUI and our desire to go straight into IVF. She said she understands this decision since it would give us a much higher success rate than IUI, and we would be able to discover any problems with egg quality right away.

But . . . after hearing about the huge price difference for the injectables for both options - appx. $1,500 for the IUI and $4,500 for the IVF (I didn't realize it would be this big of a difference!), we have decided to go back to our original plan and stick with the IUI. I can't deny the fact that money plays a huge role in this. We're just not prepared to pay an extra $3,000.00. This kind of sucks because I had gotten used to the idea of doing an IVF right away, but oh well. Maybe the IUI will work and I won't need the IVF afterall. (However, if it ends up failing, our next step would definitely be IVF. I'm guessing that will be sometime around March or April, after we have purchased our house.)

So next month when AF visits again, I will get the ball rolling. I am so freakin excited!!! This will be a very special Christmas present to myself (too bad the present isn't a positive HPT instead, but it might turn into a birthday present in Feb since that's the month of my b-day).

BTW, if anyone knows where I can purchase my injectables for a considerably cheaper price, please let me know. Thanks, I appreciate it!

Shots, Ultrasounds, and Positive HPT's

2004-11-15T22:16:00.000-05:00

Well ladies, I have a very important doctor visit tomorrow. I will be meeting with my RE about getting my injectables and doing my very first ART procedure in January. I am so excited! In just less than two months, I will finally have a real chance at achieving a pregnancy and attaining my dream of being a mom. Wow. That sounds sooo good. Me! A mom. Ahhhh......

The past few days, L. and I have been talking about skipping the IUI and jumping straight into IVF since our insurance covers both anyway. I know most people (and doctors) recommend trying at least a few IUI's first, but with my messed-up body, I have a strong feeling that the IUI will not work. I believe I will have a much higher chance with the IVF. And the reason I feel this way is because I think there's more to my problem than lack of mature eggs. My eggs may have an extremely tough shell, which makes it impossible to break through (as I've mentioned before in an earlier post), so I don't want to wait 2 weeks just to find out that the IUI didn't work. However if we do the IVF instead, they can tell me immediately if my eggs are capable of getting fertilized, right? Just knowing that little bit of info. will give me so much peace, hope, and strength to continue pursuing this dream.

The other reason is that we don't want to wait too long into the year to try our first IVF. If we decide to do a couple or a few IUI's first, it may be summer before we can try the IVF and I.just.can't.bear.another.year without a baby. I want my baby by the end of next year! I know, who doesn't, right? But I REALLY, REALLY do. Although I haven't been as vigorous with treatment (due to lack of $$) as some others who have only been trying one or two years, I have been patiently waiting for almost FIVE YEARS! Folks, you all know that is a long, long time. I can't even begin to list all of the major events that have taken place in the course of those years, both in my personal life and in the world. It is simply mind-boggling. I get so overwhelmed and depressed every time I think about it.

Here's one good example: my little sister (even though she is 23 now and taller than I am - she will always be little to me), just got married earlier this year. I never, ever thought that that day would come so soon since she used to be such a tomboy and never had a boyfriend. Then a week ago, she told me that she thought about having a baby. Let me tell you, if she does get pregnant before I do, it will throw me into a state of eternal depression (no matter how happy I am for her). The thing is she is only 23, working a part-time job, and her husband isn't even working! They are barely making it week to week! If her in-laws weren't so kind and allowed them to live in their second home, rent-free, my sis and BIL would be suffering big time. She would be so stressed out over her bills that there would be no time to think about getting it on or having babies. But I'm sure if that was the case, she would probably get pregnant faster, one after another. Tell me, have you ever heard of a poor, struggling couple who suffered infertility? Not me. I'm sure it's mostly been people who have been responsible and have thought things more thoroughly.

Anyway, if anyone feels strongly that we should really try the IUI first, please let me know why. As someone who's never done any ART before or know any real friends who have, I am nearly not as knowledgeable as I'd like to be. I'd love to hear what IVF is really like, especially from the women who have gone through it themselves. Thanks, everyone.

Well, I'm off to bed now . . . dreaming of shots, ultrasounds, and a BFP soon!!!

S.S.D.D. (Same Shit, Different Day)

2004-11-12T20:32:00.000-05:00

First and foremost, I'd like to thank everyone for expressing their views on my previous post. Though I may not have agreed or liked reading some of them, I was still happy that you stopped by and commented. (I'm very glad that everyone used taste and wasn't derogatory or hateful.) I think we all are unique individuals, and I respect everyone's opinion, even when they differ from mine.

Now to today's post:

Don't we all look forward to Fridays? I'm sure everyone does (except for those who have to work on the weekends or are workaholics) because it is the end of a hardworking workweek and the beginning of a relaxing and fun-filled weekend. Well, L. and I had made plans to go watch a movie tonight at 7:30 p.m. so all day, I had been especially looking forward to quitting time. I wanted to come home, eat a light dinner, then go out and enjoy a nice, entertaining movie with my loving husband. Not! This simple, but lovely plan went right out the window about fifteen minutes after L. got home at 6:30 p.m.

Here's how the drama unfolded:

L. had just finished taking a shower and was fixing his hair in front of the bathroom mirror, buck-naked. I walked in and urged him to hurry up, trying my best not to let his nudity distract me from our plans. He just looked at me with that lusty twinkle in his eye, sending me a message I knew all too well. I quickly glanced away and continued to urge him to hurry up or we'll miss the movie. He said he was but his actions were telling me the opposite (this man has NO sense of urgency!). So, I did something perhaps I should have waited later to do, but I was annoyed - I asked him the question that always lands us into a fight.

Me: So, tell me - did you smoke today?

L: (Pausing for a looooooong time) Umm . . . yes.

Me: How many?

L: (Feeling more guilty than a cheating spouse) Oh, too many. I don't know exactly.

Me: (Heartrate rising because he had been telling me that he was quitting) Just tell me. How many?!

L: I don't know. It's a lot.

We go back and forth like this until he realizes that I won't give up so he finally admits to me - he smoked TEN today - HALF A PACK OF CIGARETTES! That's the most he's ever confessed to me (usually, it's just three or four). Well, because for a while now, he has been promising me that he was trying to quit, I did not expect he had smoked nearly that many today. My anger level skyrocketed and I attacked him . . . like he suspected. Since he knew he lied to me about quitting, he apologized over and over. He promised again that he would quit for real this time - that he would do it for himself, for me, and for our future babies. I didn't buy it. Nope, not this time. How could I? It's the same shit, different day.

My God, this husband of mine has been chanting this line to me forever now. Every time we fight about it, it's always - "Oh, I'll stop tomorrow . . . ask me in a few days, you'll see I've quit . . . I don't need any help . . . I'm not addicted . . . I can quit anytime . . . blah, blah, blah." Of course, I don't really believe him, but I give him the benefit of the doubt. I believe that he does want to quit for his own good and for my sake because he knows how much I dislike the habit. BTW - he only smokes at work, never around me so sometimes, if he's already showered and brushed, I can't tell if he's done it that day. Most of the time, I convince myself that he didn't. But now - now, I know better. I know that he has never really quit or even tried to quit and that really hurts. I'm finally coming to grips that he'll never ever, ever quit until the day he can no longer smoke and is on his deathbed from lung cancer or some other nicotine-related disease. I have said everything I possibly can to this man to make him change his mind about smoking but it hasn't worked one bit, and I'm so tired. This may be a battle I cannot win.

You want to know what he asked me after he saw that I was clearly hurt and disappointed? He asked what he could do to make me happy. "Oh, tell me what I can do to make you happy, honey? I swear I'll do it."

I told him straight, "Go get some professional help so you can quit once and for all. That's all I want from you. Even if you decide you don't want to quit, at least make that effort for me."

His lame-assed response? "I don't need professional help. I can do it on my own." So, there you have it folks - my ever stubborn husband, who I love so much but at the same time, want to strangle so badly. I realize I have two options: 1) let this enrage me until it tears us apart or 2) accept it and let him kill himself slowly. Clearly, he wants me to choose the latter. I'm just so frustrated. I feel so powerless in this war against nicotine. It has taken my husband as a prisoner and I don't know how to save him.

Needless to say, after this fight, I didn't feel like putting on a happy face and going out with him. I told him I couldn't pretend I was fine. I needed some alone time to sort through these feelings.

So, what do you all think? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill or are my worries and anger about his addiction to smoking justified?

(For the record, I DO NOT hate people who smoke. I just don't like the habit. And I am not telling all smokers to quit. It's their bodies, they can do whatever they want to it, but when it comes down to my husband or my family members, I will discourage it passionately. And another thing, to be fair, L. was just an occasional smoker before we got married. It was never this bad. Now, it's half a pack or more every day!)

I Am Sorry Kerry Voters Feel That Way

2004-11-10T10:05:00.000-05:00

Wow! I simply can't believe all the nastiness that's being said right now about people who voted for Bush. It is shocking and . . . just plain sad. While reading some of my favorite blogs, my jaw.just.dropped. Most of these women have outwardly called Bush voters extremely mean, ugly, and hurtful names.

Which means they're talking about me, too. So what if I voted for Bush? They voted for Kerry but they don't see me calling them unspeakable things. That's because I DON'T HATE ANYONE WHO VOTED FOR KERRY. I believe that everyone is entitled to their opinion and I RESPECT THAT. I'm so sorry that they don't.

I don't get why these women are so pissed off at us? They don't understand our personal reasons for voting for Bush - just the way we don't understand what theirs are.

Don't think that because we don't see eye to eye on some political issues mean that we are these horrible, ignorant monsters that you make us out to be. If anything, I think you are the things you are calling us.

I would appreciate some respect, especially from the women who I've come to admire so much through their infertilitiy experiences (well, until now). Actually, I find it quite funny that they're always talking about asswads giving them assvice and not understanding or respecting them, but yet, they turn around and do the same thing to their fellow bloggers just because they disagree on a political candidate. It's just fucking hilarious.

I Was Right On the Money!

2004-11-01T16:36:00.000-05:00

Before I begin to post about my experience in Atlantic City, I want to say how sorry I am for Cecily and Charlie. I have followed her story for a few months now and I am so so sad for their loss. I can only imagine how they are feeling right now. I hope she will have another pregnancy soon, and may that one have a happy ending.

Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Our Weekend Trip

So, we made it back from Atlantic City around 11:30 p.m. last night. (We would've gotten back sooner had we not miss the exit to I-81 from I-76, which made us lose about three hours.) After dropping off L.'s brother and SIL, we made it back to our place a little after midnight. Boy, were we TIRED! After 15 1/2 hours on the road, we were ready for a good night's rest.

I am SO glad that I asked for today off as well. I really need it! Even though I had about 6 hours of sleep each night we were in Atlantic City, I still feel so drained and exhausted. I guess the trip home was just so long and tiresome. I could use about 12 more hours of sleep. I think I'm going to bed early tonight.

Anyway, now to the good news. Remember how I said I was feeling lucky in my last post? For once, my instincts were right on. While we were in the very first casino (Trump Plaza), I put my second $20.00 into the quarter slot machine. It was one of those 12X pay. About halfway through my game, I hit a small jackpot. When my machine went off and said I had won 8,640 quarters, I couldn't believe it. I was so excited even though I had no idea how much that was (I suck at Math.) I just knew that if my machine was going off, it must be more than a thousand dollars.

A stranger walked by, looked at my machine, and said, "Congratulations!" You just won over two thousand dollars!!! (How did he do that so fast?)

"Two thousand dollars?!?" I asked. "Are you sure? Wow! I can't believe it!" I was too excited to double check his estimate in my head but I knew he wasn't far off. I thought to myself, "Here I am at the quarter slot machine (because I'm such a high roller), and I win OVER TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! That's a really sweet deal!"

So we waited for someone to come and give me my money. It took a little while but eventually, she came and got my ID and took another 15 minutes to verify my information and bring back my winnings (all $2,160.00 of it). I couldn't believe my luck! This was much more than the $200.00 I was hoping to at least win. I gave $400.00 to L. to keep for himself (not to put it back into the machines because I knew a person can only be so lucky in one night). I had plans with the rest of the money - spend $1,200.00 of it on the injectables for my upcoming IUI and put the rest away. I am so relieved that I won't have to dig my savings to pay for that even though I was prepared to. I'm just glad that I could use it to buy something else now . . . like baby stuff for my child next year. :-)

The bad side to winning so early is that because you just got there, you don't want to stop playing and leave yet. At the end of our second night there, we lost a total of $500.00 but we still came out on top because we came home with the $2,160.00 that I won. L.'s brother and SIL did not have as much luck though. During the first night, they also won over $2,000.00 but lost it all back the second night, plus all of what they took there. I won't say exactly how much that is but let me say that it is enough to pay for three rounds of injectable meds. I wish L.'s brother had been more conservative and not have bet so much at the Blackjack table that second night, but I guess a gambler cannot help himself. He told us that at times his bets were $300.00 or more. I couldn't believe it. I thought $5.00 was a lot for one bet. I guess I'm just not that brave - but I'm glad I'm not because that is why I was the only big winner during our trip. Yay for me!!! (But if I had also been a loser, I would've been the smallest loser.)

Today, I went shopping around 11:30 a.m. but didn't buy anything for myself. I was still fairly tired and didn't feel like brousing around that much. The only thing I bought were groceries, which I haven't done in more than a week. I have some unpacking left to do then maybe turn in early. Tomorrow is back to reality. Wow, I still cannot our trip is over already. I had been looking forward to this trip for a while (not because I'm a gambler or anything . . . but because I've always wanted to see how Atlantic City was like - I like the noise, the lights, the people, the cheesiness of it all). I'd really like to go check out Las Vegas too. I know that'll be some kind of adventure.

Now, I wait until it's time to start pumping meds into my thighs or buttcheeks to force my eggs to maturity and do the IUI. This will be the most important thing weighing heavily on my mind for the next couple of months. I just want this baby SO EFFING MUCH!

Only Two More Days!

2004-10-26T20:35:00.000-04:00

Yes! Two more days until we take off to Atlantic City! L.'s brother and SIL are also going with us. I'm so excited to be going out of town again and getting my mind off of work. This new job has been draining all of my energy. I have gone straight to bed right after work on more than one occasion. It's not that my job is hard or anything - it's just been a lot of work because I'm still new at it so I'm not quite that quick yet.

We'll be leaving early Friday morning (like 4:00 a.m.) because I heard it takes a good 12-13 hours to drive there. We'll be returning on Sunday so the others can make it to work by Monday. I'm so glad I WON'T BE! That's right, I'm also taking next Monday off so I can have more time to relax my mind for a little while. Hopefully, I'll win some money in Atlantic City so I can treat myself to a nice day of shopping when I get back. Am I feeling lucky? Yes, I am!

Well, whatever happens, I know I'll have a ton of fun. Hopefully, the weather won't be so bad where it will prevent us from walking on the boardwalk and taking some photos. I'd like to be outside almost as much as inside the casinos. I'm not much of a gambler - I just do it for fun. If I win a couple hundred dollars, I consider that to be excellent.

See you all when I get back! And wish us luck!

Getting Me Good

2004-10-19T21:48:00.000-04:00

As some of you already know, my husband took his electrical exam this past Friday, and I want to give you all an update. Friday was a little unnerving to say the least . . . but I think I handled it well.

It went a little like this:

All day Friday, I tried to remain calm and not hope for the best or think of the worst in case it didn't go the way I expected. That way, I wouldn't freak out (which I can't help but do from time to time). I knew that the test was six hours long so if he started at 8:00 a.m., he would be done by 2:00 p.m. because he wouldn't take a break. By 2:30, I was getting a bit ancy about the test results. I wondered why he didn't call me (because surely, I told him to call me right away after he received the results . . . I'm pretty sure I did). I wanted to call him but I decided to wait a little longer because I figured if it was bad news, he probably needed some "alone" time to gather his thoughts and compose himself before talking to me. Well, 3:00 rolled around, then 4:00, and still no word from him. My patience was growing thin and my anxiety level was going on overdrive.

"Okay, this is definitely enough time for him to do whatever he needed to do." I told myself at 4:05 p.m. "I simply can't wait any longer to know whether he passed or not. I'm just going to call him."

So, I did and guess what? He didn't answer his stinkin phone! I left a message for him to call me as soon as he could. I don't know why, but I immediately took that as a bad sign because he was supposed to have his cell phone turned on right after his test so we could talk. If he wasn't answering it, something must be wrong. But I refused to let my mind run entirely wild and continued working (well, as much as I could in that state of mind). About fifteen minutes later, my phone rang. I saw that it was him and quickly picked it up, full of anticipation.

"Hi, honey. So, was the test hard?!" I asked. (I was proud of myself for not asking for the results right away, even though I wanted to SOOOOOOO BADLY. I thought I should let him to tell me whenever he was ready to.)

He told me it was very tough and then . . . silence. My heart dropped but not by that much because he hasn't told me he failed yet. I held my breath for what he would say next.

When his pause was too long, I exhaled. "This doesn't sound good," I thought to myself. Then I asked when he finished taking the test.

"Oh, I was done at 2:30." He replied.

"Really?" I asked. "That's what I thought. But why haven't you called me? I've been waiting and very worried about you."

"Oh, I've been driving around, talking to inspectors and vendors about my new product. And I didn't call you because you said we could talk when we both got home. I decided to wait until then."

I didn't want to argue over that issue any longer so I just got down to the big question, "So, did you pass or not?" We (mostly him) had been preparing for this moment for the past year. Actually, it's the past four years. This was the moment of truth and I was incredibly nervous. My heart was pounding a million beats per second.

"No . . I didn't. I missed by two points. It's okay though. I'll just retake it in six months." He answered with a sigh.

"What?!!!! Did you say you didn't pass?" I asked in shock. "Oh, I'm so sorry!" (I know - I had told myself that on that day, I would try to remain neutral and calm, but deep down, I wanted him to pass so badly.)

I felt my heart dropped all the way to the ground. I couldn't believe what he had just told me. This was not the news my heart craved to hear. But I knew I couldn't get angry with him - not now. He was probably already so bummed out and he didn't need me to be mad. The thing is he didn't sound that bummed - just normal. I didn't detect much sorrow, anger, excitement, or anything in his voice. This should've caught my attention but it didn't (I guess my intense disappointment clouded my logical thinking.)

The bottom line is HE GOT ME GOOD! He strung me along for about fifteen minutes before finally admitting that he was playing with me, and yes, he passed that damn test (what a mean thing to do, but I forgave him quickly since it was his big day). He said he was so happy, he wanted to give those old ladies who conducted the test a big kiss on the cheek. After I got over the shock of this news, I smiled and I smiled and I smiled. You couldn't get me to stop smiling even if you were the devil himself. I think I must have added a dozen new wrinkles from smiling so long. But I didn't care. My honey had passed that test and we had crossed another milestone. Good things are coming our way. We worked hard and now we will be reap the rewards.

Of course, on Saturday, I threw him a big celebration at his parent's house. They live out in the country so we were able to have a lot of family members over. Needless to say, it was a very happy and exciting weekend. I can't wait until Jan. when we receive more good news. I just know that that IUI will work. I mean how can it not when everything else in our lives is going so good? That will be out next big celebration. I refuse to think about anything but positive thoughts for now.

Even for all my fellow bloggers who have/are receiving bad news - I am thinking about many other good things yet to enter into their lives. I know they will not let this ugly infertility monster take over and ruin everything. These are amazing women - teachers, lawyers, doctors, nurses, executives, business owners, students, stay-at-home moms, etc. whose lives I am so envious of, even if they are battling infertility - because they already have so much going for them.

I'm So, So Sorry

2004-10-13T19:14:00.000-04:00

This post is about all the women out there who are hurting from yet another negative beta. I want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this pain and heartbreak again. There are really no words I can say to relay the heartfelt emotions that I am feeling right now. I wish I could stop all of the undeserving women out there from having accidental babies year after year, and give you that chance instead - because I know you'll all be extraordinary mothers. Because . . . you've intended to have a baby, and you've worked hard at getting pregnant. I know many of you have gotten up at 5:30 a.m. so you can make it to the RE's office by 7:00 a.m. for your ultrasound; endured countless scary needles up your butt/thigh and numerous, gross progesterone suppositories just so you'll have enough hormones to make it "safe"; took all of your vitamins religiously; shelled out thousands of dollars for drugs, tests, and procedures; experienced dozens of crazy, rollercoaster emotions that might have driven everyone around you insane, etc, etc. Not to mention the fact that most of you have likely ensured you will have the financial means to support your child when he/she arrives. But the most important reason of all is that I know you will appreciate that child with all of your being. You deserve the pregnancies, not all of the girls/women out there who have babies just to end up neglecting and/or abusing them.

Note: I am not trying to say that if you had your babie(s) without any planning or preparation, that you are undeserving and are terrible, bad mothers. I am simply stating that there are lots, and I mean, a TONof them out there, who don't like or want children, but have them every year because they are irresponsible. Most of them don't have an effing clue how to be a good parent or parent period, and so their children end up paying the price for their actions. You know these women that I'm referring to. I know you know at least a three of them.

Julianna, a friend of mine who I met a short while back in Blogworld, has just received devastating news yesterday (her beta from her 2nd IVF came back neg). Even with all of the good news I've received in my life lately, I have been so distraught for her. I wanted this positive beta for her soooooooooooo badly - as if it was for myself. I have followed her story ever since she first found my blog and I have been so hopeful for her. Every day I read her blog, I develop more of a friend-crush on her, just like I do with many other fellow bloggers. I have found this woman to be smart, funny, caring, and oh, so deserving of a child. I just don't understand why it went wrong for her! Everything was going so perfect. How can the world be so cruel?

Tell me why these things happen to good people?? Why?! Why?! Why?! It's just so EFFING WRONG AND UNFAIR!!! Dear friend, if you are reading this, I want to tell you again that I am SO SORRY for your disappointment. I wish I could make it right for you. You have been there for me and I want to be here for you. Know that I am thinking about you, right there in the dumps with you, and sending you all of my love and hugs.

I hope that those of you who are in tremendous pain will be able to heal a little at a time each day. I know right now, the heartache is too great, maybe unbearable, but because you are so strong, you will find a way to move forward. You will find the strength again to lift up your heads and look outside your windows, realizing that you have so many other wonderful things going on in your lives. You will survive this. I have no doubt about it.

IUI and IVF, Here I Come!

2004-10-11T19:06:00.000-04:00

Lookout people, here I come to join all of you in the drug-filled, close-monitoring, and RE-headed world known as "ART." Today, I found out that our company offers a BCBS EPO plan that COVERS fertility treatment up to $25,000.00. It doesn't cover meds but I DON'T CARE - I can manage that part if they will pay for the procedures. Wow, I will be saving a total of $25,000.00 in treatment!!!! Woohoooooo!!!!!!!! I'm beyond thrilled! I want to do a dance, shout out to the world, and give everyone a great, big hug!

Starting in January, I will do my first IUI, instead of in the summer like I had thought (this is so wonderful!) We will do this first, then move on to two IVFs if we need to, but I hope that the IUI will be enough. Gosh, I can't wait until tomorrow to call my RE and let her know that I want to get my injectables in late December so I will be able to do the IUI first thing in January. I'll be knocking on the hospital's doors bright and early come Jan. 4th. I want to fastforward time so badly to December already. For the longest time, I have wanted time to slow down and wait up for me but today, I am inpatient for it to hurry up and go by. I can just see my positive HPT in the near future. And of course, my baby (or babies) waiting to grow in my womb until they can come out and meet me face to face. I just know it will happen!

Some might say that I'm a dreamer and I obsess way too often over this but it's the only thing that keeps me going. I have to make myself believe that there is still hope, that this is not the story of my life - lonely without children in it. I know nothing is a guarantee and things may not go as I envision them, but God, hope is so awesome. It lifts my spirit and moves my soul. Right now, my body is riding high on endorphins. I feel like I've just had the best you-know-what and I am blissfully happy. You know what I'm talking about - the best cheesecake in the world! I even feel like initiating sex tonight. What a lucky man L. is. Really. To him, this will almost be like winning the lottery because I haven't been in the mood for the longest time, and I know he will want to drag it out. But he's only so lucky. My real agenda is just to get him in bed so we can talk about this IUI and IVF thing some more (I know, I can be so cunning!).

Can you see where my mind will be for the next 2 1/2 months? Forget about all of the upcoming holidays, birthday parties, and mini-getaways (basically everything except for my honey's exam next Friday and his newly patented product - the extra money would still help). My mind will be completely absorbed in thoughts of shooting meds up my rear-end and rushing to the clinic every morning to get monitored for my IUI. Next year, I'm looking forward to seeing big, fat follicles, a positive HPT (finally!), an embryo (or two) inside of me, and lastly, a beautiful ultrasound of my baby (or babies) inside of me! I never thought I would ever say this, but "I'm so happy and excited to be able to join this scary, but miraculous world called ART." GOD BLESS AMERICA!

His Wish Came True!! Grinning from ear to ear

2004-10-09T10:58:00.000-04:00

WE ARE SOOOOOOO HAPPY AND EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hubby's birthday wish came true! He had wished for his invention (an electrical device) to be approved soon. Almost two years and nearly eight thousand dollars later, it finally happened. He got word yesterday from the lawyer's assistant that the government approved it and it will get patented. Now, we wait for the final paperwork, then we look into marketing his product. Right now, I don't have a clue how much companies would be willing to pay us for it but it's just a wonderful milestone that we've crossed. I will pray that this is the beginning of many good things for us.

Also, in a week, he will be taking an exam for his electrical license. It is supposed to be very difficult and lasts a whole day. Only a crazy percentage (like 20%) of people pass it each time. I'm really hoping that he'll be in that top twenty because if he isn't, he'll have to wait another six months to take it again. He really needs to pass this exam because he will have the potential to earn so much more money when he is licensed. Not even his previous bosses were licensed. Apparently, they couldn't pass the darn test.

L. has been waiting for four years (amt. of experience they require you to have) to take this test, and I am hoping beyond hope that HE.WILL.PASS! By the way, I also hope that that two-day $300 seminar we paid for last weekend helped (this stupid seminar cost three times the amount of the test!) When I asked him how it went, he was very hesitant in his answer. I'm guessing he didn't learn anything new but didn't want me to be disappointed so he tried his best to cover it. It's all right baby, anything to help you. Now, go pass that stinking test! I know you can do it!!

Celebrating My Baby's B-day

2004-10-04T20:00:00.000-04:00

Yep, we celebrated my baby's birthday (L., my only baby right now) on Saturday. His actual birthday was on Friday but since many people wouldn't be able to make it that night, I decided to hold off the celebration until Saturday instead. It was supposed to be a surprise birthday party but L. ended up surprising us instead. You see, he was at a seminar all day until 5:30, which means he would be home 30 minutes later because it was in a town 30 minutes away. Well, he called me around 5:45 and said he was on his way. I figured since he was just on his way from the seminar, I'd at least have until 6:15 to get the last decorations up (I had been running around town all day and didn't start preparing everything until 4:00 p.m. - I know, I am such a procrastinator!) To make matters worse, his brother, SIL, sister, and BIL were still on their way to our place. I really wanted them to get here before he showed up or what kind of a surprise party would that be, right?

Well, it didn't quite work out the way I had planned. My little speed demon got home before the others were able to get here. The only people here were me, his SIL, and her three kids. He arrived at exactly 6:00 pm, which means he was either driving like a madman or he was already halfway home when he called me. When we heard the doorknob jingling, it was too late. He walked in and I looked at him in surprise.

He asked his neice, "What are you guys doing here?"

"We're here for your birthday party, uncle, " she answered.

And then . . . We all cried out in unison, "Surprise!!!" (Yeah, I know - kind of lame, but the point was - he was surprised. He admitted he wasn't expecting a party at all so he was thrilled.)

His neices and nephew all gave him a hug, then his gift (which was sweet because they are ages 2, 5, and 8).

Minutes, yes, just minutes later, the rest of the gang showed up. They were also surprised that L. had made it before them. Trust me, next time I plan a surprise birthday party, it will be a surprise to the birthday boy/girl, not me.

I have to say though, that the party ended up being really nice. I made some really good dishes along with the store-bought goodies and we ate ourselves up a storm. After our bellies begged for mercy, the women watched a funny movie while the men played foosball, then the women played some pool while the men played chess, and lastly, we all played cards while we munched on some more food (I'm sure I gained no less than five pounds!!)

There were mostly grownups here so that made it kind of nice. No one was chasing their kid or cleaning up after their mess instead of interacting with L. and I. For once, we were able to enjoy an evening with just mostly adults and not have every other conversation about someone's kid. It was just a nice change from all the other birthday parties we've been attending lately.

Speaking of that, there must have been over a hundred children's birthday party that I've attended during the past 6.5 years being married to L. (not exxagerating!) And because most of these kids live at my in-law's or in the same neighborhood, we get to be around them until late at night. I have to admit, it's been wearing me down slowly. Seeing them interact with their parents, or running around and playing with the other kids, or dressing up in their oh-so-cute nightgowns at the end of the day, and curling up on the sofa when they fall asleep, has been kind of tough for me. I have been increasingly aware of the fact that I MAY NEVER HAVE A CHILD to witness all of these things. I MAY NEVER get to see all these wonderful things at my home. I MAY NEVER get to hear my child say the words, "Momma, I love you." It hurts my heart to the core whenever I think about this.

These birthday parties always seem to start out all fun and happy for me, then end up being a vehicle to drive myself into the deep, dark depression zone. I hate that I'm letting it get to me like this but it's so hard to act strong and okay with everything when I know that there is no real likelihood of a baby for me anytime soon, not even an indication of any hope.

Right now, like a lot of other women going through the same shithole, instead of seeing hope in the faces of sweet, innocent children, I am seeing a reflection of the big, fat failure that I am. They are beginning to represent what I am not able to do, to have, and to be. The more I watch them, the more upset, depressed, and heartbroken I get. How could something I love so much cause me so much heartache at the same time?? Before long, you'll hear about me avoiding events of all kinds that involve children. But I will fight reaching that point though. I know it won't be easy for me to stay away from them just because my body won't let me carry one. I will forever be smitten by their precious eyes, fingers, toes, and sweet, innocent smiles.

Until I can conceive or afford adoption, I guess the only baby's birthday I'll be celebrating is my sweetheart's.

No News is Good News, Right?

2004-09-30T19:06:00.000-04:00

Well, as fate would have it, in the morning of my doctor's appointment, my period suddenly stopped. I had gone to the bathroom twice before 11:00 a.m. to check how much I was bleeding and I saw nothing on that humongous pad I was wearing. Well, actually, I did see a couple of light pink dots but they don't really count. Needless to say, I felt A LOT better because I've been waiting to see the end of this period for over a week! I thought, "Whatever it was that was inside of me is now gone. Big relief!"

So I went back to my desk and decided to call my doctor's office. Before going to the appointment, I wanted to let them know that I still haven't received my insurance card in the mail because I'm a new employee. I know you have to have your card or at least a copy of it, and I didn't want this to be a problem when I got there. I informed the appointment scheduler of this situation and gave her my group number and social security number. I asked her if they could just speak to my insurance company if they had any questions about my eligibility, where to send the claim, etc. She told me that they couldn't do that - that I would have to get my insurance company to fax a copy them a copy of my card or they will have to put me down as private pay and the balance would be due at the time of visit. Fine, I said. I would gladly call my insurance company and request a copy of my card. Well . . . I was on the phone for ten minutes three times and never got a live person. By 12:30, I was getting nervous. I didn't want to pay for the office visit since I knew how much it would cost. I mean I know that once they get a copy of my card, they would give me a refund but it takes so long, and I didn't really want to deal with all that.

A little later, I called L. and told him what was happening and asked for his input. He said that since my period had abruptly ended and I wasn't experiencing any pain, I should just cancel the appointment. And since I didn't have my insurance card, he didn't want me paying a big chunk of money for nothing (which is usually the case with me, the "unexplained freak of nature"). I didn't want to do it, but I knew he was half right. Several of my friends have told me that when they take herbs, their next periods are always heavier and longer. I thought, "Maybe everything is all right, afterall. If it happens again, I'll definitely go because I will have my damn insurance card by then, and plus, this kind of crazy bleeding WILL NOT be expected." (I haven't been drinking any herbs this month - I had thrown them out a little while back because they got moldy). So, I reluctantly called the doctor's office back and cancelled my appointment! Did I make the wrong decision??? God, I hope not. Well, I know that if anything crazy starts back up, I will definitely take my ass there. No obstacle will be able to stop me.

I hope no one is annoyed with me for cancelling. I was really concerned, but I think it's okay now (knock on wood). And I'm sorry for keeping some of you waiting. I don't have much time on the computer now that I've started this new job. They don't allow us to visit any websites except for the company's and when I get home, I'm usually doing chores until the wee hours of the night. But I REALLY appreciate all of your concern and kind words. You ladies are so strong and inspiring. I look forward to communicating with you all each and every day. I'm off to read your blogs now!

Everyone But Me

2004-09-28T21:33:00.000-04:00

So, I've been walking around in my office, trying to match up names with faces. I work with a bunch of engineers so granted, most of them are in their late thirties to sixties. It just hit me today that everyone (well, everyone who is married or divorced anyway) have many pictures of their children up. Everywhere I looked, young, happy faces were smiling back at me. My cubicle, on the other hand, is bare and naked, and screams out that I am all alone. I don't even have a single picture of me and L. up yet. It's quite depressing and lonely. I think I'll take a few in tomorrow. I can't wait until I can add some baby pictures - of my baby. Ohhhhhhhhh, what a sweet, sweet thought. That little soul will be so dearly cherished . . .

*Update on my crazy bleeding episode:

It has not, I repeat, not, stopped yet. I was finally able to make an appt. tomorrow at 3:10 to see my gyno. Just earlier when I went to take a shower, I noticed that it has gotten lighter. You think perhaps the doctor's appt. is scaring it into retreat? I certainly hope so. But I'm still going to see the doc tomorrow and hopefully, we'll find out what, if anything, is growing inside my uterus. (Well, we can definitely rule out a baby!!! It seems my uterus will harbor anything except that!)

I Should Be Dead By Now

2004-09-22T21:53:00.000-04:00

I don't know what's going on inside this crazy uterus of mine because I am still bleeding (eleven fricken days now)! Really, what the heck is going on!? First, I start very early, and now, it's dragging on for weeks. I guess my body will never ever be normal. It will always be a complete mess, and I will always be labeled "unexplained". *Sigh*

The other thing that bothers me is that this is not one of those lengthy light periods. For several days now, I have been soaking every pad I've put on - the long, thick, overnight ones too. I've had to change one or more every couple of hours. Very scary, right? I really think I should be dead by now! I mean, where is all this blood coming from? And how is it that I am still able to stand up without feeling lightheaded and dizzy?

Well, I usually have a thin lining and only get light to moderate periods. So, this one is quite unusual. It is just getting stronger and stronger by the day. At one time, it did fool me into thinking that it was stopping so I went out and happily purchased a brand new box of pantiliners. And L. even got some nookie!! But . . . we weren't so lucky. A day later, the monsoon arrived. My thick pads ran out quickly and back I went to the drugstore.

I thought about going to see my doctor today, but since I'm not feeling anemic yet, I'm going to wait until Friday afternoon and see if it lets up any. I'm just really curious what's causing all of this excess bleeding. Do I dare think that perhaps, I am suffering from a miscarriage? Nah, no chance in hell. After all, I need to actually be pregnant first, right? We all know that I CAN'T do that because my eggs are decrepit, walking on canes and living in retirement. Bah.

I sure do hope that all the extra blood is not from anything major. I REALLY don't need anything else to worry about. I think I've had my share for the rest of the year, thank you.

New Job = New Stress

2004-09-15T23:29:00.000-04:00

Ahhhhhhhh . . . the stress that comes with a new job. Don't you just love it? A new computer system, new workload, new co-workers, new boss, new office setting, and a new location. It could possibly be one of the most stressful experiences in our lives, no?

Well, for me, everything is going great except the first two things.

I've been in training for the past week and it's been pretty hectic. The reason is because my training consisted of the girl previously in this position sitting at my desk with me and going over everything, while she is also processing incoming work, which there was A LOT of. It was so crazy trying to follow her and take down notes on how to use the system. It wouldn't be so hard if this company wasn't using a completely foreign system, which is also incredibly non-user-friendly. There was so much information for me to jot down! I swear, I have tendinitis now. I didn't like not being able to focus on one thing for more than a few minutes. Like I said, it was C.R.A.Z.Y! But I got through those days because she was there to take care of the incoming work.

Because of the numerous interruptions, I feel like my training was too short (I know - some places don't even offer training, but in this case, it is necessary because their computer system is entirely too difficult to learn by oneself. I mean NO ONE will be able to do this.) When my trainer went back to Orlando yesterday during lunch (she works in our Orlando office), I started feeling panic rising in me. Everything was going to be up to me now - everything. I thought to myself, "How can I do this job after such a short amount of training? I don't think I can do it yet! No, no! Don't leave me yet! I'm scared to death I'm gonna make a huge mistake and get fired!"

As I predicted, I did make one semi-big mistake but fortunately, it was correctable. My boss couldn't blame me though. He would've done the same thing. Well, after that, I expressed all of my concerns to him and he said that he didn't expect me to know how to do everything right away - that there are people I can contact for assistance for anything. However, I hate to have to call them so often. I know I'll be calling them all day long . . . at least for while anyway (because there are so many exceptions to everything I was taught to do.) God, I hate this part about starting a new job. I went from being the trainer to being the trainee. It sucks, it really does.

The good news is I have some notes that I can refer to. Last night and tonight, I took my binder (yes, a full binder!) of notes home and organized them. I have been rereading them to help me remember better. So in case you're wondering why I haven't visited your blog, this is why. I apologize for not being caught up. I've had quite a bit of stress lately. This combined with the early AF is just about enough to make me wring L.'s neck everytime he pisses me off. If he's smart, he'll watch what he says and does around me for a few weeks.

I know that eventually, I'll get this job down and I'll be back to my old self, spending every available minute online and reaching out to you ladies again. But until then, please know that I am thinking of all of you and wishing everyone the best.

Acceptance

2004-09-12T23:31:00.000-04:00

First of all, I'd like to thank all of the wonderful ladies who reached out and left me comments. Like I've said before, I am so very grateful for all of you. Your kindness and encouragement never ceases to amaze be . . . because I know what you are also going through. Thank you for taking the time to drop by and say a few uplifting words. It means SO much to me! So, thanks again.

Like I have suspected, the light flow eventually turned into a full flow (this morning). I guess today is officially the first day, not last Thursday. I will continue to drink those herbs just in case they will help to regulate my cycles in the future, but this time, I will be smarter and not have any unrealistic expectations. Believe it or not, I have finally learned not to get my hopes up because I'm tired - so effing tired - of getting bad news month after month, year after year. I am just going to drink the stuff as if it was a regular cup of tea and leave it at that. There will be no more visions of follicles maturing and no more excitement each time I feel tugging or pulling sensations down there (basically no more wishful thinking). I know this is sad, very sad to have lost hope just because of some stupid mystery herbs, but I can't afford anything more than them at this point. They were my only hope for the rest of this year. And now, I have to face the hard, cold reality that for the rest of this year - I will remain barren. In December when two of our relatives give birth (one was unplanned), I will have to put on a brave face and pretend that I'm happy for them and my heart is not shattering into a million pieces.

I hope that next year will be the end of this TTC rollercoaster ride for me, and we'll be able to finally conceive with injectables/IUI. I just can't take another year of disapointments and heartbreaks. To be honest, I don't think my marriage can survive it. Like many others, L. and I have had way too many fights over this. I feel it might just drive my husband away . . . or me to the mental institution. That would just be the icing on the cake, wouldn't it?

Disappointment (But hey, what's new?)

2004-09-09T22:29:00.000-04:00

I worked so hard at being positive about the funny looking herbs I bought from my aunt-in-law. With each cup I drank, I thought lovely thoughts and was hopeful the entire time. I believed this time, perhaps things would work out - that by some miracle, this would be what I needed to help my body so I can finally see that second line on a HPT. There were doubts, of course, but I wouldn't listen to any of them. They were all forced away, and I simply focused on the positive things (which was really hard for me to do because I've been disappointed more times than I can count). And now it seems, it was all in vain.

Yesterday, I started my period. Yep, that's right - my period - a whole effing 20 days after the last one. I am stunned, baffled, outraged . . . and oh, soooooooo goddamn disappointed!

For the past two days, it hasn't been that heavy - just a light, brownish-red flow but I know it will get heavier and redder (this is how all of my periods start.) I just don't understand what went wrong. Just 9 days ago, I was so happy that there were signs of life down there and now, it has all come to an crashing halt. Could it be that I did ovulate but the darn egg just couldn't get fertilized? What the hell is the matter with my eggs? I want some answers now!!!! If someone has an extra $15,000, please loan it to me! I'm desperate!

I've been so depressed these past couple of days. I can't believe IT DIDN'T WORK. ANOTHER.BIG.FAT.DISAPPOINTMENT. What's new, right? I should have listened to my inner voice and not expected anything from the start. Then I wouldn't be so angry, hurt, and depressed right now. I guess I will never learn.

I just need to accept the fact that my reproductive organs are incompetent, period. Nothing will change that unless I can afford ART, and God knows when that will be. Maybe I won't have my little family afterall. The sooner I can accept that, the sooner I'll be able to fully enjoy the other wonderful areas of my life. God help me.

The Mighty Enemy

2004-09-06T21:10:00.000-04:00

Wow . . . can you believe that we are already in September?! I can't. In just a few short months, this year will be officially OVER. 2005 will be here and that means that I'll be moving into my fifth year of TTC. Five whole effing years. I know I have sort of come to terms with the past four years of struggle, but some days, this fact still paralyzes me. It's just that so much can happen in five years, and so much has.

I look at all of my little nephews and neices who are attending preschool or kindergarten and I remember when they were just infants or toddlers. That was when we had just began planning on getting pregnant. Now those kids are big, healthy, and vivacious, and are off to school for the next 18+ years. It saddens me sometimes to think that my baby could be their age had I conceived all those years ago. He/she could be attending school with them right now instead of still living in my dreams. Man, seeing those kids make me feel so freaking old.

Oh yeah, I also heard over this weekend that my 18-year old second cousin got married. I remember when she and her twin were just six years old and they were playing in the dirt in our backyard. I remember looking at them and thinking how they were so young and cute. Now one of them is a married woman, who I know will more than likely get knocked up in a year. And when that happens, I will be getting in line at the local pharmacy to fill my prescription for Prozac. Seriously! That will sting and hurt like a MTHFKR.

It's unbelievable just exactly how much time has passed. To me, it feels like only a couple of years because I've been so busy with life, but the reality is that it has been almost five stinking years! Married relatives have had three or more children, some of their children have grown up and gotten married (and are having their own kids), my little sister has also gotten married (who used to be tomboy and swore she would never ever marry), my second youngest sister has started college, my mom and step-dad has gotten a separation, my step-grandma has passed away, and I have had gallbladder surgery (there are more things but I can't mention them here.)

I don't understand why, but time stopped being on my side the moment we decided we wanted to start a family. It just decided it didn't like me anymore and was going to start torturing me. Oh, why did it suddenly switch sides? What did I ever do to it? Now, it's always racing past me, laughing at me, and mocking me every inch of the way. Every now and then, it will slow down to tease me, but always ends up speeding up again. I want it to stop, allow me catch my breathe, and walk at a steady pace with me. Man, I really wish it was still my friend . . . because it makes a mighty powerful enemy.

Work & Signs of Life Down in Sleepy Land

2004-09-01T18:47:00.000-04:00

My first day of work went pretty well. I met almost everyone in the office and they all seemed very nice (well, except for this one guy who came off as a wise guy and might eventually get on my nerves, but I'm glad that he's sitting quite far from me.) Today, I was free to take my time getting familiar with their computer system and the office surroundings - I liked that. Tomorrow, they might start giving me little things to do but I think the rest of this week will be pretty laid back. Ahhhhhhhh........... I needed this. I've been so stressed out for the past month. This is soooo nice. Also, I just found out that since I am a SALARY employee (have never been one of these before!), I will get paid for the upcoming Labor Day holiday. Isn't that fantastic? PLUS, I get health coverage starting today! What a sweet, sweet deal. I must have done something right to deserve all of this goodness. (I just hope that I can learn how to do this job well so I can stay employed at this company for a long, long time to come.)

On the TTC front, I have to admit that drinking that tea has been making me feel pretty good. What I mean by this is that I can feel my ovaries moaning and groaning and making some movement. I believe that one or possibly two follicles are getting stimulated right now as I'm typing this! Because these little follies have lived in "Sleepy Land" for so long, they needed some excitement. I think the bloody wood drink was just the cure for their long, empty, and useless lives. Maybe it finally jolted them out of their sleep-induced states, and reminded of their responsibility to me.

My pep talk to the little follies: C'mon guys, it's not that hard to grow up, move out, leave your family behind to meet the man (or the woman) of your dreams, do the deed with him/her and become one, is it? Many of us have done it. It's called life. Are you trying to tell me that none of you are alive anymore (is everyone dead?!) Or are you trying to tell me that you're afraid to grow up and leave home - the home you've known for the past 28 years? Well, let me just tell you that if you don't take that risk, one day, you'll be old and gray, and you'll regret not ever venturing out to make a life for yourself. You'll regret remaining the same thing for your entire lives (nothing more than "pathetic, useless, f*cking follicles"). I know you have more aspiration than that, so c'mon, make me proud for once!

Bloody Wood, Crazy Aunt, & My New, Great Big Belief

2004-08-26T17:19:00.000-04:00

I don't think I've ever gone this long without updating my blog. I meant to update you all on the mysterious herbs I've been drinking but ran into some problems with my blog so I've been messing around with that instead. Plus, there was nothing really interesting to tell about them.

The Bleeding Wood and How It Taste

The little pieces of wood that I boiled made the water turn dark red, like blood. This is kind of neat because the wood is light beige, almost white in color. I thought, "Shit! Maybe it is a real herb that works!" So, I happily poured myself a tall glass of the steaming hot, smoking red mystery tea and started sipping it. The first pot tasted very acidic, though not bitter. It also left a funny taste in my mouth, and I couldn't wait to move on to the second pot. Like I suspected, the next time I boiled it, it tasted a lot better (the same wood gets reboiled until the water is no longer red or until you ovulate). So far, I've been drinking two cups a day and I'll think I'll keep doing that until sometime late next week. I think I should go purchase an OPK so I'll know exactly when I ovulate (if at all). I need to know if this stuff works. If it really does make me ovulate, then I want to buy more. I promise not to ask any questions!

The one thing that I do notice differently about this cycle is that my period is really red (just like the tea!), and it's almost like a normal period (5-7 days). Today is the 7th day and I believe it is tapering off. I'm only using only pantiliners now. Before, my periods (or whatever the heck they were) would be dark brown for a week or two, then turn red, but it wouldn't flow at the proper pace - it would be light for a couple of weeks, then get heavy for a day or two, then turn brown again for another couple of weeks or so. I know - WTF??? It was a nightmare! And it continued like this for a very looooooooooooong time, and no doctor was able to find the cause of it. Two of them wanted to put me on birth control pills to regulate my cycles but I said, "No Way!" The very first time I was on birth control, it lasted a whopping TWO DAYS! (That's right, I said two whole days!) That's because those evil pills gave me HELL! I got violently ill with really bad nausea and migraines for two straight weeks following that.

I remember this experience so vividly because I had just started a new job and there I was, gagging and throwing up throughout the day like a newly pregnant woman (except I wasn't because I tested). I couldn't think or do anything. It was all I could do from crawling under my desk and taking a nap or going home every time it got too bad, but I remained at work, forced my eyes open, and endured the pain and misery because I didn't want to get fired. It was one of the most miserable times I have ever had in my life! To this day, I still don't know what happened because my doctor gave me the lowest dosage possible (or the kind that first timers take). She wanted to prescribe a different brand later but that experience scared the crap out of me. I vowed to never again take any birth control pills. I would do the shots, patches, condoms, anything, just not the pills. (Of course, now we know I didn't need anything because my body was already it's own birth control device. The ovary refuses to let its eggs mature and leave, and if one so boldly defies its master, it will face disastrous consequences.)

Auntie Wants A Boy!

Funny thing I forgot to mention about the aunt who sent us the herbs. When she was giving me instructions on the phone on how to take them, she told me,

"Make sure that after you finish drinking it, that you turn the cup upside down. This way, you will be sure to have a boy."

"Oh? Is that right?" I asked, all the while thinking, "I've never heard anything so superstitious or stupid in my life! She actually believes that this will ensure I have a boy? Advanced technology just barely figured out how to do this, but yet, simply by flipping this stupid cup upside down or leaving it alone after I am done, I can chose the gender of my first-born. Geez, if only other women knew of this proven method, they would be saving themselves thousands of dollars when they want to select their baby's gender!"

However, I decided to humor her. "So, if I leave the cup upright, that means I will have a girl, right?" I asked. (But I was thinking, "How ridiculous!")

"Yes, that's right." She replied with great conviction in her voice.

"Okay, thanks for the tip." I said.

Then we talked about other stuff for a while.

Before we said goodbye, she shouted, "Don't forget!! Turn the cup upside down after you finish drinking. That way, you will be sure to have a son!"

"Okay." I said, incredulously. "But if I should want a daughter instead of a son, I need to leave it standing upright, correct?"

"Uh . . . that's correct." She answered quizzically (like she couldn't understand the point in me asking that because surely, I also want a son as badly as she does.) "Just turn it upside down when you're done!" She insisted again before hanging up.

Oh, brother! The mere thought of having a daughter first was unacceptable to her. Has anyone ever known a person who wanted them to have a son so bad? This aunt-in-law showed no discretion in her desire. Lady, thanks for the tip but I'll do as I please with my damn cup. And since I don't believe in this superstitious crap one bit, I'm leaving my cup the way it is - UPRIGHT. And if I happen to have a daughter, I still won't believe in this silly theory. But if I do have a boy, I'll let you know that your little superstition is wrong. Bottom line: I just want a healthy child.

The Right Time

I've been thinking about my struggles with infertility for the past four years, and have come to a conclusion. (I could be wrong but at least I'm trying to remain optimistic.)

My conclusion is that maybe it's been so hard for us to conceive because it wasn't the right time in our lives to have children. Maybe God had been really looking out for us afterall. Maybe He didn't want us to struggle any harder than we were. Let's compare past and future situations:

Past = working unstable jobs, inconsistent health coverage, large monthly bills (two car payments), living in an apartment

Future = both of us working stable jobs, excellent health insurance, no car payments, living in a nice, roomy house

(Between now and the beginning of next year, we be transitioning into the "Future" situation.)

Now, I'm not saying that everyone gets pregnant at only the right times in their lives because we all know how many women out there get pregnant at the WRONG times of their lives, but maybe this is how it will work out for me. No, I don’t believe that God loves me any more than anyone else (it’s quite the contrary), but maybe He decided that I have had enough suffering in my life and deserved for things to work out in a less chaotic manner. Well, this is what I believe for now anyway. If things are still not looking good a year or two from now, of course, I will have to rethink and come up with another assumption. You can't blame me for trying to make sense of my suckass history with infertility, can you?

Drink Up!

2004-08-20T22:55:00.000-04:00

Oh yes! Today is officially the first day of a new cycle (not sure exactly what cycle this is though - I kind of lost track somewhere after the 48th cycle!) That means it's time to get out the bags of mysterious herbs (one is the chopped-up wood and the other one is dried, crushed leaves.) I'll need to make tea out of both of them; drink one kind until ovulation and drink the other kind from ovulation until the next cycle. Let me remind everyone that this is the $100 herbal medicine that we purchased from a stranger through L.'s aunt in California. We have no idea who this seller is, where this medicine actually came from, or even the name of the medicine. For all I know, this stuff could be sold by some con-artist pretending to be an herbal medicine expert but actually gets their supply from some common tree that grows in their backyard and sell it to people who don't ask a lot of questions.

I wanted answers to my questions first before making the purchase, but the aunt said that she knew the seller fairly well and just told me to "trust her". And when I voiced my concerns to L., he also told me to "trust her." Apparently, they both think I'm overreacting and should be more "trusting." Well, hello?! There is a reason I'm asking all of these questions. These things will be entering my body and doing who-knows-what to my system if it actually is a real herb. Excuse me if I'm a little apprehensive! I'm the kind of person that likes to be informed of anything she takes in. This is a bit unsettling for me.

I was apprehensive when I purchased and I'm apprehensive now, BUT . . . I will take it. Why? Because it appears that these kinds of herbal medicine are quite common in my culture. My own mother told me that she's seen it sold at many, many places by people who took the time to learn about them. She said that there was nothing for me to worry about - many people have taken it before and they didn't have any side effects. (I bet I'll be the .001 percent that will experience a bad side effect. My body just has a way of letting me down and pissing me off.) She's been urging me to put aside my fears and drink the stuff faithfully. I hate to admit it, but right now, these little pieces of mysterious wood and leaves are my only hope. With no money to start injectables with IUI or move on to IVF, I don't have a lot of choices. I'll have to pray that they will do what they're supposed to and I won't see AF next month.

I am so jealous of all the women out there who have insurance to cover IUI and IVF or are able to pay for it themselves. I know some women have had the chance to do numerous rounds of IUI and 3 or more IVFs. I wish I could we could afford to do just ONE IVF right now. I would be so incredible happy and grateful for that chance. In the four years that we've tried on our own (10 months with the assistance of Clomid), I don't think we've ever had a real chance at conceiving. You see, that's because my eggs' outer layers are made out of the world's toughest, most durable semen-proof material. THEY ARE SIMPLY IMPOSSIBLE TO PENETRATE.

Those poor, little, hopeful sperms. Month after month, they try and try to get through with all their might, but only to break their necks and die. However, they are unrelenting and continue to try. They know they have millions of brothers who will also keep trying until one is able to break the barrier. Unfortunately, the poor things do not realize that not even a sperm made out of dynamite can get through (or have they realized this and given up? Do they say, "What the fuck? Who are we kidding? No one or nothing can get through those walls! I'd rather kill myself than go near that egg!")

Oh no! I hope this isn't the case!!! But I guess after four long years of trying, who could blame them for surrending? Over many years, the shells of my eggs have gotten stronger and stronger and it will take only a special device from a special doctor to force that shell open. If we were so lucky to have insurance coverage or miracously win the lottery, we would finally have a REAL chance at pregnancy.

I know that these little herbal medicines we purchased is no match to the great IVF process, but if by some miraculous chance, they can soften my eggs' shells and make them a little more social, I may have a real shot at conceiving. So, tomorrow will be my first day of madly drinking the mystery tea . . . and I will put all of my "trust" and "faith" into it. It would be so fantastic if it ends up working for me the way it has been claimed to have worked for so many other women. Please, please let it work!
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Gratitude

(This section really deserves another post but I'm impatient. I want to say this NOW. )

I want to thank everyone who reads my blog and leaves me comments. All you ladies are so wonderful; giving me strength and hope to keep pursuing this silly dream of mine to have a baby. In real life, I don't have a lot of support from my friends or family members (because of course, no one else suffers from infertility but me). I appreciate each and every one of you so very much! I wish lots of happiness for everyone in the near future, whether it be through getting pregnant or adopting (if you're not already pregnant or have adopted). Please know that your comments mean a lot to me and I'm grateful for your support.

THANKS A BUNCH!!!!!!!!

And I Was So Nervous!

2004-08-18T15:42:00.000-04:00

Guess what, ladies??? (And gentlemen, if any of you are reading my blog.) Remember my four-hour long interview last week, on Friday the 13th at that engineering company? That was the longest and most intense interview I've ever had! Well, it sure paid off!!!

Yep, someone just called me a little while ago and offered me the job! Yaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Whoopeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'M JUST BEAMING WITH EXCITEMENT RIGHT NOW! I want to go out and celebrate by buying myself a brand new wardrobe, then treating myself to a big, ole, juicy T-bone steak, but I know I can't cuz I've only been working 16 hrs. a week. I want to give L. a great, big hug and possibly, make long, passionate love to him, but I can't because he's still at work and has to go to school afterwards until 10:00 pm. Instead, I'm sitting in front of my computer at home, reaching out to my cyber friends (who are so awesome, by the way).

I simply can't do much here by myself in my state of joy. The only person I called was my sister in Colorado. She was very happy for me but it doesn't beat having someone here to celebrate it with. My close friends are not in the same town; most are out of state. What should I do until I see L.? Maybe I'll go out and buy one item that makes me feel really good (No! Not one of those battery-operated devices!) I'm thinking more along the lines of a new purse or a new pair of gold earrings (on sale, of course).

Gosh, I haven't had a stable job in such a long time (3 yrs.) so this is a huge thing. I will be eligible for all benefits (I don't currently get vacation or Personal Time Off.) The salary will be the same as what I'm currently making, but that's all right. I think I'm making very decent money for the work I do. Anyway, the more important things are job stability, health insurance, and vacation! Can't wait to be a permanent employee again. I know, no one is really permanent, but at least I get the title.

I'm really hoping that their insurance covers infertility. I'll have to check that out as soon as I get the packet. Somehow, I don't have a good feeling about it because we're a company in similar size, if not larger, and we don't have it! But who knows, right? I'll just have to wait and find out . . .

My start date is August 30, or the week after that. They're supposed to get back to me on that. Wow. I still can't believe that I found a new within a few weeks of looking. This job sounds really good to me: an office job with nice people and a laid back environment. I hope my perception of things doesn't change after a month of working there. I REALLY hope that this one thing will work out for me. I deserve at least this, right?

The Great Adoption Advices

2004-08-17T13:58:00.000-04:00

Lately, I’ve been receiving two very strong viewpoints on adoption (it still amazes me what some people believe and will say to me):

1. The majority of both sides of our families want us to find whatever medicine or undergo whatever procedure we have to in order to have our OWN kid. They say that adoption should not be an option because it is just bad to raise someone else’s child. That child will never love us as real parents the minute he/she finds out they were adopted, and they will leave us to go find their biological parents one day. How would we feel then? They say we will end up extremely hurt and regretful. They think we should continue to seek medical treatment until something works. And if nothing works, then we should just accept living as a childless couple. Adoption SHOULD NOT BE A CHOICE.

2. The majority of friends/co-workers/outsiders feel strongly that we should go straight to adoption and not pursue any ART, especially IVF. They think that the high expenses, low success rates, and moral dilemma are just not worth it. They believe there are too many homeless babies out there who need a warm, loving home. We should think about those children first and put our desires to have a biological child aside. They say that God has a plan and this is the plan for us. If we don’t want to adopt, we should just live as a childless couple. Adoption SHOULD BE OUR ONLY OTHER CHOICE.

Okay, I have to admit that both of these viewpoints have some truths to them; however, I strongly disagree with most of what they had to say.

I won't go into too much details about my feelings on these opposing views, but this is where we stand right now in our lives - we’d like to pursue medical treatment so we can have a biological child. No, I am not against adoption one bit. On the contrary, I would very much like to adopt a couple of kids one day, even if I have some already. (I am not afraid of the fears that our families have. I believe if we raise our child right, he/she will never need or want anything else.) I know that if our financial situation permits in the future, we will have a house full of children, bio and non-bio.

Like I said, right now I’d like the chance to carry a child and experience all of the magnificent wonders that only pregnancy can offer. I want to see my belly slowly expanding every day and my breasts enlarging while it prepares for the production of milk. I want to feel my baby kicking as her legs grow bigger and stronger every day. I want to feel the pangs of hunger that reminds me I’m feeding for two. I want to be able to say to my husband, “See, my belly grew four inches - I can’t fit into these pants anymore!" And, "Look honey, the baby’s moving again!" And, "Uh-oh, I think it’s time – get my bag quick!" And, "Oh… isn’t she beautiful?” (as they hand her to me after delivery) I want a chance to experience the excitement, the drama, the miracle that is pregnancy. I want it all!

One day after we have tried all of the medical assistance we can afford and if there is still no baby growing inside of me, then we will move on to adoption. I think that is a wonderful thing for couples who are ready for it, but we’re just not right now (esp. me). My desire to experience pregnancy and have a biological child is too great. I won't give up on this quest yet. Many have tried longer than I have and succeeded. I'd like to think that my time is yet to come.

My Job Interview on Friday, the 13th

2004-08-14T22:36:00.000-04:00

In non-TTC news: (Yes, I took a five minute break to dwell on something else. Aren't y'all proud of my progress?)

I went for a job interview on Friday, the 13th. Trust me, I was fully aware of this little tidbit and made sure to get up very early and get ready in case anything should go wrong and prevent me from being on time. It lasted from 11:00 am to 3:00 pm, 30 min. each with a different manager (four total). No, I'm not making this up! They gave me an hour to break for lunch and three potential co-workers took me out to a nice restaurant to eat. I enjoyed that, but it was kind of uncomfortable because we just got introduced, then off we went (it was part of the plan.) I've never had this type of interview before. Did it get popular recently?

So, is it just me or does anyone else out there think that this interview was too long, too intense, and kind of over the top? I mean it's not like the job opening was for a director/manager or anything that would warrant such a vigorous interview. It's for an hourly position, supporting engineers with scheduling and tracking deliverables. I don't know - maybe this company is just trying really hard to find the perfect match, which I can't exactly blame them.

I had some questions asked that caught me off guard (even though I thought I had prepared for everything!) I don't remember asking anyone these questions in my past experiences as an interviewer (maybe I should have?) Here's one example: "What is the biggest lesson you have learned in your life so far? Also, tell me when you learned this lesson, who influenced you, and why you thought it was important?"

Geez, I have learned A TON of lessons over my twenty-eight years on this planet, but which one do I tell? Which one would be a good example of who I am and benefit me the most? Which one would be the most appropriate to reveal? That was a lot to figure out under pressure. I hope he liked the example I gave him. The good thing was that he was nice and patient instead of cold and intimidating like some managers/interviewers can be. It helped with dealing with the pressure.

Overall, I thought it went pretty well. Sure, there were some things I said that I wish I could rephrase or omit, but oh well, that's life. We can't always be perfect. I gave them all honest answers and if they didn't like me, that's their loss. But I'll find out if they want me by the middle of next week. If I get the job, I think I would like it there. The atmosphere is very calm and laid back. And from what I saw, the people were all friendly and professional. The best thing is that the job would be very stable, something that I currently don't have.

I have another interview on Monday for a job that I'm not exactly crazy about, but again, this position would offer stability. We'll see how that one goes. At least I know it will last less than an hour and be with only one person! That works for me! Hope to find another job by the end of this month. Wish me luck, everyone.

Look What I Found!

2004-08-13T22:18:00.000-04:00

You know how I've been talking about purchasing a few baby items to keep around because they make me feel good and hopeful? Well, guess what? I just remembered that I ALREADY OWN two baby items! (Yes, some people think that I've lost my mind, gone over the deep end, turned psychotic, and have jinxed myself, but I havent, I promise. Actually, I'm not really sure about the first three, but as for the fourth thing, I don't think I could jinx things at this point in the game. I did go three years without owning a single baby item and still, the egg refused to tangle with the sperm...... so, it better not use this as an excuse now.)

The two things I have already are receiving blankets; both with a light yellow background. One has little colorful stars all over it and the other one has teddy bears, ponies, and alphabet blocks. They're really soft and oh, so cute. At first, I didn't purchase these with the intention of keeping them. I had bought them along with some other baby outfits for a SIL, who was pregnant with her third child. (No, I won't rant and rave about the fact that this was her third child and she's only in her early twenties, I just won't. It's not her fault that she was blessed with a fertility that even the Fertility Gods envy. Seriously, this girl can get pregnant while doing the deed with her legs crossed and panties on! That is an incredibly envious gift!)

So, as I was getting ready to stuff these blankets into the giftbox, I took one last glance at them because they are so adorable, and suddenly, Bang! A bright idea came to me! And that was something I simply couldn't ignore because those ideas don't visit me often (at least not lately anyway.) I thought to myself excitedly, "I should keep these! Yes! Why not? They're so cute, I should keep them for my baby." It's weird, but in the short time that I had them in my possession, I grew attached to them. It's not that they were expensive or rare - I was picturing them being wrapped around my baby, and I just couldn't let go of them. Plus, I think I heard them call out to me and beg, "Please, keep us here with you....don't give us away! We are so perfect for your baby.....we know you know that......even though your baby isn't here yet, we want to wait around.....please, please!" Naturally, being the kind person that I am, I couldn't ignore their plea...... and what my heart wanted. With that decision made and hope quickly taking over me, I happily took those blankets out of the giftbox and tucked them safely in the back of my drawer.

When I first put these away (a yr. ago), I would look at it a couple of times a month, but eventually, I got caught up with school and work so I kinda forgot about them. Today, as I was digging in that drawer, I saw them there. It brought a smile to my face - they're still as cute as they were a year ago. (I know, it's been too long, I should give them away but I feel like they're mine ......... almost like they've been used in some sort of way so it wouldn't be nice to give them away. I can't explain the feeling.) Anyway, I took them out and touched them a little bit before putting them back. I still believe that one day, they will cover the soft, cuddly body of my litte one. I simply CAN'T WAIT for that day!

Many people think I'm nuts (including my husband) because instead of avoiding all these baby things, I am embracing them. They can't fathom having these things around; it reminds them too much of what they don't have and of their infertility. I understand that completely. It does pain me somewhat, too, but the amount of enjoyment I get is so much more great and powerful. It overrides the pain every time. Currently, I would welcome any baby item in my home and I would jump at the chance to hold anyone's baby. And I know I will continue to be this way until the best doctors have told me that there is no possible way I could ever have my own children. Maybe then, I'll stop being so hopeful of becoming a mom and lose this obsession (at least until we have enough money to pursue adoption.)

I Saw a Dreamy Dress Today

2004-08-11T18:50:00.000-04:00

Since I didn't really have anything important to do after 12:30 today, I decided to go to the mall to check out a beautiful, luxurious comforter that I had seen in the ad, marked down 50% today (though I shouldn't have because my hours have been drastically cut back and we have no room for any impulse purchases, BUT I needed a little detour from my obsessive blog-reading routine.) Well, it was indeed very beautiful, and very reasonably priced at $100.00. However, I didn't particularly favor the fabric. It was the kind of fabric that has thick, loose threads in some areas and I know that it will get snagged and look raggedy in no time. So, I decided against purchasing it and moseyed on over to the children's section. Afterall, I have to pick out a gift for our 1-yr. old nephew.

Oh yeah, by the way, I'm always doing this - shopping for other people's kids. It's not that I don't enjoy or want to do this because I do. It's satisfying to give things away and make other people's lives a little better. It's just that for once, I would like to be shopping for my own damn child. For once, I would like to take the merchandise home, rip off the tags, and put them on my own baby! For once, I would like the chance to look at something and think, "Hmm, I wonder if my girl will look good in this or I wonder if she'll like this color or this style or I wonder if she'll think this toy is cool." I'm so tired of always wrapping up these kiddie merchandises and giving them away. When will I get a chance to buy baby stuff for my baby? When? I have spent so much time over the past years shopping and buying for other people's children. I just want a chance to buy for my own. (I'm sorry, I needed to vent. Phew! That feels A LOT better. Thank you.)

Okay, back to my story: So, I sheepishly navigated my way to the children's department. I didn't find anything that I liked for the nephew. There were a lot of T-shirts and shorts but nothing really cute. Also, everything was either for a smaller child or a larger child. Not much for this one-year old boy. Can I just say that the boy's section is waaaayyyy too small? I believe there were a total of seven racks, if not less. (I think the adult men's dept. is also like this.) Well, it took me a grand total of three minutes to finish checking out the clothes there. I quickly moved on. I'll go look somewhere else for him tomorrow or Friday.

Anyway, since to the left of me was the infant's section, I decided I would go there and fantasize a little (like I don't do enough of that at home already!) With glazed eyes, I helplessly reached out and touched the cutest little dress there. It was a Carter's outfit, the yellow one with the cute duckie on it. And right next to it, was the cutest baby blanket also embroidered with the same duck. I'm sure many of you have seen it - they're sold at most retail stores. All I have to say is OH.MY.GOD! They could not possibly have created anything more adorable. I stood there, in love, and longingly caressed the soft fabric while my heart exploded. I'm sure everyone saw the mess I made and tried to avoid that area.

While my gaze was fixated on that little dress, I saw myself putting it on my daughter and holding her up to admire. I saw her face, her arms, her legs. She was squirming but smiling at me. I smelled her intoxicating baby breath and her sweet, sweet scent that only babies emit. I was in heaven. The biggest smile appeared on my face and I'm sure I looked like the biggest dork in the store. I knew that whoever saw me would definitely know of my infertility problems. Only an infertile can derive this much joy from a piece of infant clothing. But I DIDN'T CARE. I wanted to relish those thoughts and images. It was so comforting to think that one day, I will be shopping for my very own baby and I could actually put this on her when I got home. Right now, I'd like to think that that is still possible. *Sigh* (BTW, having a boy would be just as nice, it's just that there's so much more stuff for baby girls!)

If any of you are wondering, no, I didn't purchase that little dress. It was on sale for only $10.00 but I knew if I bought that, there was no stopping me. I would also want the blanket next to it and the bodysuit and the bibs and on and on....... I knew I wouldn't be able to control myself and our financial situation isn't looking too attractive right now. But, I do know that I will go back and buy that dress soon. At least that dress. I will put it in my drawer and look at it every now and then to remind me of the daughter I will have one day. She will be here. I don't know when but she will.

Restlessness

2004-08-10T10:34:00.000-04:00

I'm on CD #25 and I'm getting restless. I want AF to come now so I can begin taking those herbal medicine (what looks like chopped up wood) that our good ole aunt sent me. I want to throw them into a pot, boil them until the water turns dark red, and drink it thirstily. At least I'm doing something, anything, just not sitting around twiddling my thumbs and thinking about my next course of action. All this waiting is killing me.

I've tried to keep my mind busy thinking about other things in my life that also need attention, like finding a new job and losing some weight, but somehow, my brain always finds it's way to these baby-making thoughts and the others are pushed aside. I really don't want to dwell on this one thing, but it's taken a hold of my mind, body, and spirit! I am a prisoner who must spend all of her time, energy, and resources to get out and live a normal, happy life again. There is absolutely no time to waste because this cell that I'm in is smoldering and very dark. It is slowly suffocating me and I feel I might be slipping away soon. I could lose everything I hold dear to my heart - my husband, my other goals in life, and most importantly of all, my sanity (or what's left of it!)

I guess this obessession has been getting stronger, partly due to all the negative and hurtful remarks from relatives lately (I'll spare you the gory details.) They think they're helping but they're making it so much worse and reducing their chances of ever seeing or talking to me again. And as much as I try to ignore and dismiss their comments, they are always in the back of my head, eating away and tearing down my inner strength. I wish I was stronger. But the truth is after four years, I just don't have enough energy to fight them off.

Oh, Mother!

2004-08-06T22:30:00.000-04:00

I talked with my mom last night. It was kind of nice.......... and well, strange. Nice because we don't talk often and strange because usually when we talk, things get ugly and this time, it didn't. It's not that we hate each other - I wish it were that simple. We're just entirely too different and I learned growing up, that we will never see eye to eye on much of anything. She's from a completely different world, with a different language, and a different culture. I love my mom dearly and I know she loves me, but we just can't be friends. I hate this fact and I wish I could change it badly, but I'm not God and I cannot make the impossible happen. Maybe in my next lifetime, I will have the good fortune to have a close relationship with my mother and my father will not get killed before I get a chance to meet him. (Yeah, my life is a fairytale and it just keeps getting better.)

Some of you may wonder if I was adopted and the answer is "no". I wished I was a lot of times though. The thing is when we came to America, I was only four years old. Therefore, I grew up as an Asian-American, infusing two different cultures together and adapting to my new environment easily. My poor mother, however, had a lot of difficulty (basically stubbornness) and pretty much remained strictly Asian. Needless to say, she went through a period of extreme culture shock. She didn't understand the clothes we wanted to wear or the things we wanted to do, especially in my case because I am a girl (in my nationality, girls basically have no rights and little value because they will be married off.) She opposed many of my opinions and refused many of my requests (simple ones, such as going over to my friend's house or wearing a pair of shorts) simply because that was "not proper" for a girl in our culture. I knew a lot of the things she was feeding me were garbage here in America. Most of my Asian girlfriends got to wear shorts and always came over to our place. Their parents had adapted, why coudn't she? I didn't understand why she was being so damn strict with me. It wasn't fair at all, but I was only a child. I couldn't win even if I had the best argument on my hands. I had to abide her nonsensical rules for a long, long time to come.

Of course, as I got older, I got more rebellious. I knew she was being waaaaay too rigid with me and it was making my life miserable. My two brothers got to do almost anything they wanted, whereas everything I did was forbidden and reprimanded. I hated the way I was a prisoner in my own home with all the super strict rules, hated the way my mother valued my brothers more than me simply because I was a girl, and hated the fact that I was fatherless - I HATED MY LIFE. Arguments were regular and rampant between my mom and I in our house. We hardly saw any issue eye to eye (the boys and her got along great because being boys, they got all the rights!)

Early on, my mom decided that most of the American culture was evil and poisonous. I clearly saw the opposite. It was so fair and liberating to me. I wanted so much to grow up with values from both cultures and my mom be okay with that. As time went on and I became more American every day, the gap between us grew wider and wider until we no longer could discuss anything without arguing passionately. After I turned 18, we rarely talked anymore. I knew I wasn't the daughter she had hoped for, but I couldn't change who I was - someone with a voice for herself. I couldn't just be her "quiet, proper, and abiding" Asian daughter.

Things got better after I got married at the age of 21 because we missed each other, but I know they will never be as good as I want them to be. I mourn over this loss a lot even though I never had it. (I guess I'm actually mourning over the possibility of this.) And every time I see other people who are good friends with their parents, there is a slight nagging in my heart. That's something that I desperately need right now - when I'm suffering through infertility. It would make everything so much better.

My mom doesn't understand my medical problems (or refuses to acknowledge them) because she doesn't believe in the good of doctors. To her, they're all just out to make money. She thinks they sit around and come up with phony diagnoses so they can operate and make a ton of money (now, do you see where I get some of my paranoia from?!?)

Anyway, every time I try to explain to her my current treatment or why I'm seeing an R.E., she says, "That's rubbish! You're just wasting your time with doctors who don't care at all about your fertility. They just want to make money off of you! You should come visit me. I'll take you to a lady who massages women's bellies and give them special herbs to have babies. It only costs $600.00 if you get pregnant. Look, you're getting old. You don't have much time left. All your high school friends are having their third or fourth child. You don't want to be thirty-five or forty years old before you have your first one, do you? You will be too old then and you won't have the energy to run around and chase them. Even if you do, you'll die before you get to see your grandkids." So................... can you understand why I don't particularly like to discuss my infertility with this woman? She has a way of making me feel worse about my infertility, and that's hard to do since I'm already so hard on myself.

When we talked last night, she did bring up the fact that two other of my high school friends are pregnant. One is on her second and she'll be due in December. The other one is having her first and she's due in September. That was extremely hard for me to hear. It seems everyone I knew in high school is able to get knocked up pretty easily. (I must be cursed, right?) Well, I was shocked that my mom wasn't as mean to me as she usually is. That time, she didn't repeat all that other stuff that grabs at my chest and makes me hyperventilate. She just asked if I was pregnant yet and said that she would be there to take me to that lady if I needed her to. I guess she has been feeling my tension the last few times we spoke about this subject matter. I believe I told her once that she was not making the situation better by being harsh and yelling at me and I would quit speaking to her if she continued. That took a lot of guts because even though I'm married and have been living on my own, I'm still very afraid of her at times.

As much as I resent all her cruel comments, I know that deep, deep, way deep down in her heart, she said all those hurtful things to me because she just wants me to have children and be happy. She just figured she would move things along quicker by trying to open my eyes to what's going on. However, that plan kind of backfired on her and now she's retreating. I'm glad because I don't want to lose her entirely. As much as we don't agree on things, I still love that woman so much. She did provide me the essentials in life and refrained from killing me every time I talked back (I know she wanted to!) I need her to be in my life and hopefully, one day, my children's lives. There are also good qualities to that extremely strict, stubborn, and old-fashioned person I call "mom."

Something To Smile About

2004-08-03T21:13:00.000-04:00

I still feel bummed out, disappointed, and depressed over the lack of progress of my follicles, but today, something brought a little smile to my face (yes, I remember how to do this.) It is the last day of summer school!!!! I am sooooooo deliriously HAPPY about that!!! I got out at 7:00 p.m. after taking two exams and immediately felt a ton of weight lifting off of my shoulders and a huge wave of relief. All of sudden, I was able to breathe a little easier. I just wanted to skip around the parking lot and express to everyone how happy I was. If today was Friday, I would go out and celebrate with L. and definitely get drunk (since I'm not a drinker, this would mean a great big, important celebration.)

Who'd thought that completing summer courses would bring so much happiness and joy to a girl. Certainly not me. When I registered for these two classes from 4:00 - 8:00 Mon.-Wed., I never imagined it would be so much work! Some of you are saying "Duh! Of course, two classes is waaaaaay too much, you idiot!" Well, I did think that, but because these classes are only 2 credits each (Teaching Health and Teaching P.E. to elementary school learners), I thought they couldn't be that hard. Well, I was right in that regard. What I underestimated was the amount of time required to do the work. I stayed up several nights and spent all of my weekends getting homework done or preparing for presentations. It was pure madness! Let me tell you, I will NEVER EVER take a summer class again if I can help it (not even for a trip to Hawaii.) I guess it wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have a full-time job (which I did up until last week). Right now, I'm sooooooo freaking glad that summer school is over because those five weeks have been one of the most stressful weeks of my life. And, it didn't help that I was going through some really low, "infertile" moments, too.

Well, now I can go back to relaxing again (which is really not relaxing but stressing out over my infertility - can an infertile who's actively in mission ever really able to relax?) I'd rather obsess and stress out than do schoolwork anytime. Everything else just seems irrelevant right now. Without the possibility of a family in my future, I just don't see the point in doing all the other crap. Maybe I'll feel differently next week, next month, or next year, but this is where I'm at right now. I constantly think about my infertility and what I can do to help myself. Then my mind wanders off to images of my children, how I will talk to them, how I will dress them, or how we will go places together as a family. My heart aches so badly to have them here with me. I have so many images of my family in my head, and I just want a chance to see them in real life.

I'd really like to stop the obsession, but you know as well as I do that I simply can't do that no matter how hard I try. The infertility demon has wrapped it's ugly, gnarly hands around my soul and clinching it tightly. It's like if I think about anything else, it knows and will get angrier and choke me even harder than before. To alleviate the pain, I need to stare at him square in the face, be calm, and try to come up with a plan. I just can't ignore it because the pain is always there - I'm always aware of it's tight grasp.

The past week and half have been especially bleak, but I am a little happier today. I only have six classes left before I can student teach and finally graduate (I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel although it keeps moving.) I could be finished in 1.5 years if I go full time but since that's not possible, I should be done in 2.5 years. I wish we could afford it so I could attend full time and get it over with, but my life has to be complicated and so we can't. I have to continue working if I want to be able to afford the things I want, and I need to have this feeling of freedom and indpendence.

You see, as a child, I had gone without so many things, and I swore that when I grew up, I would never be in that position again. Relying on my poor parents (literally) to buy me what I wanted and give me money to spend was the absolute most frustrating position to be in. I understand that most kids do have to rely on their folks, but mine had very little to begin with so we either got nothing or next to nothing to spend on clothes and toys. It was a sad, sad situation and I knew it. I vowed to never be in that position as soon as I was able to help myself. And since the age of 14, I have been earning my own money (through summer programs and part-time work.) So, to quit working now so I can complete my degree would put me in a financial bind and I cannot do that to myself. Although we are not rich, we are also not poor. We're able to buy most of the things we want and all of the things we need. I'd say we're doing fine. I guess I'll finish when I do and I'll still be happy with my decision then.

I can't wait for this weekend! I will be doing things that do NOT involve school. Double cheers!!

Plan B

2004-07-30T20:04:00.000-04:00

Well, it's not surprising to report that the ultrasound on Wed. did not yield any mature follicles. The nurses who reviewed my X-rays were pretty blunt with me - "there's nothing cooking down there!" and "your follicles are so small, they're practically immeasurable!" I'm sure they didn't mean to be hurtful so I didn't take it that way. Plus, I was too numb to get upset over anybody but myself. I had gone there with so much hope and my body had betrayed me once again. The nurses said they would call and let me know what my next move would be once they consulted with the R.E.

Later that day, a nurse called and said for me to go back Friday morning for another one................ just in case. I should've said, "No! I know there won't be any changes and I can't handle the disappointment anymore!" and let it be. But noooooooooooooo, I had to get my hopes up again and woke up bright and early this morning for another meeting with the dildocam.

What a big fat waste of time that was! They didn't find a single follicle that had grown larger than 10mm. NOTHING has happened since Wed. NOTHING. It was like a dark, heavy cloud was hovering over my head and I couldn't see a thing. All of my hopes and dreams of conceiving a baby this year vanished. I told the lab technician how pissed off I was that Clomid acted like it was hard at work with all it's nasty, horrible hot flashes but yet, couldn't produce a single product. She just agreed. This time time though, I didn't get any insulting remarks from the nurses. As a matter of fact, they seemed to be disappointed with me.

Later when a nurse called back, she said that the R.E. wanted me to take 100mg, starting tomorrow because I wasn't responding to 50mg. Well, I explained to her the horrendous side effects I experienced from last time and for her to tell the R.E. that I guess we will cancel the IUI. We do not have the money for injectables right now and I'll contact them again when we do. It was so devasting for me to utter those words. I did not want to cancel it. I had my heart set on doing this, even with me losing my fulltime status at work. I wanted it like I've never wanted anything before. And now, I'm going to have to settle for Plan B.

Remember those Chinese herbal medicine that we paid $100 for (from our aunt?) Yeah, that's Plan B. I know, it's not great but that's all I got right now. So,................ I hope and pray that my body will respond to them. If it doesn't, I'll have to wait until next summer to try injectables/IUI. That will be another year of pain, heartache, and many, many tears.

On a side note: I'm thinking about changing my blog title to Pathetic, Useless, F*cking Follicles (PUFF). It sounds more appropriate. What do you all think?

Did I Say Overwhelmed?

2004-07-27T22:06:00.000-04:00

I have so much to do - I'm overwhelmed like you couldn't imagine. I have so much homework to do, materials to gather and organize, presentations to prepare, and tests to study for in my two summer classes before next Monday. I also have a poorly structured, weak, and outdated resume to revamp into a new and improved state. That definitely is going to take at least an entire day. I searched for some samples today on the internet and found a few that were so amazing, they made me sink down into my seat in embarrassment. After looking at those, I wanted to throw mine out and start all over. Needless to say, there will be A LOT of restructuring and revising going on before it will be submitted to any prospective employer.

All of these things need to be tended to and taken care of fast. But...... I just don't have the mind to get to them right now. Tomorrow is my ultrasound. Do you blame me if that's all I can think about? It is my first real chance of becoming pregnant. A REAL CHANCE. How can anything possibly be as important?

Well, I have to mention that Ms. Pessimism has been fiercely knocking on my door these past couple of days. She's been getting more determined and malicious along the way, but I haven't given in and let her in. She's been shouting all kinds of mean and nasty things to me about my follicles from the other side. That lady is really no lady at all. The things that came out of her mouth! Oh, they're horrible! But I've put additional bolts on the door, pushed up my sofa against it, and blocked all my windows. I am not letting her in. Nope, not today anyway. I might let her tomorrow afternoon, but not today. Today, I have too much to look forward to.

I Wish..............

2004-07-24T14:15:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I took my very last Clomid pill. I was SO relieved! No more will I see those little pills again and endure hot flashes like a menopausal woman in her worst moment. I envy those women who can take 100mg or 150 mg and not experience a single symptom. Man, are they super human or something? One time I decided to request the 100mg and after a couple of days of taking it, my world came crashing down. I experienced the worst possible side effects this pill could possibly produce. Let me just tell you, it was very, very bizzare and quite a scare. Like I said, I am beyond grateful that this will be the last time I'm ever taking Clomid again.

I just hope that this 50mg will be able to do the trick of bringing one or two of my eggs to life. If it doesn't, then I will have to cancel the IUI and rely on those herbal medicines to work (which I received from the aunt yesterday by the way.) I pray that that will not be the case. I have waited far too long to try this. Before we didn't have the extra money and now that we do, I'd be devasted if my eggs do not cooperate (or my endometrium, for that matter.) I've read that Clomid can dry up one's cervical mucous and lining so I've been taking EPO to help in that department. Please, please, please let it all work out!

Here's a list of my wishes:

1. I will have at least ONE ripe egg.

2. My lining will be thick and spongy.

3. The sperm will find their way to that darn egg and fertilize it.

4. Once the egg gets fertilized, it will find it's way into my uterus and latch on tightly.

5. The fertilized egg will develop properly and continue doing so in my belly.

6. I will finally get to see TWO LINES on a HPT!

7. I will experience a normal pregnancy (yes, with all the pain and discomfort associated with it.)

8. I will have a safe delivery and my baby will be happy and healthy.

Out of all the wishes that I have made in my life, I hope these will be the ones I see come true. It's not too much to ask for, is it?

Moving On

2004-07-22T13:35:00.000-04:00

I'm upset, sad, and scared all at the same time. I never thought that this day would be here so soon. Yesterday, I got word from my boss that my work hours will be reduced down to 16 per week, starting next week, due to our project being over budget. Sixteen!! That's only two full days (but they want me to work four hours a day, four days a week.) How will I be able to live on that? I mean, if my husband was rich by inheritance, had a high-paying profession, or he was a rich, old man, then maybe. But being that he's a struggling blue-collar worker, we cannot survive on my 16 hours a week. Actually, we could if we could forget about 1) buying a house, 2) doing an IUI this month, 3) paying off our debts, and 4) saving for the future. If we got rid of all of these goals, I guess everything would be all right. In fact, I wouldn't have to work at all. (Wow....... that's a tempting thought!) No, I need to keep working if I want to live the life I want.

What makes me mad is that they only told me yesterday. They could've given me two weeks notice so that I may have time to search for another job (same courtesy I would've given them had I been the one who wanted to go.) But I should've known - large corporations don't care about us meaningless employees. We're here only to serve them. Once our services are no longer needed, they don't give us a second thought.

However, I am a bit sad that I will have to leave the comforts of this job and the friends I have made, which I've known for nearly three years. I remember my first few days here. It was a week before Sept. 11, 2001. I had been given an office with a view of downtown (we're on the 23rd floor so that was nice.) I could close the door during lunch and do anything I wanted. It was great. My boss at that time also wasn't uptight at all. He was everything I've ever wanted in a boss - kind, understanding, funny, patient, caring - basically, he was human. Since our company was bought out a year ago, I have had a new boss (not any of those things I just described above) and over half of our co-workers got laid off. I was one of the few lucky ones who got to stay. I knew that eventually, I would also get a pink slip or be reduced in hours but never this soon. I thought, for sure, the earliest would be this winter.

I'm scared because I don't know what lies ahead of me. Will I be able to find a job that I will love as much, that will be able to match what I'm making, and one that will be flexible with my school schedule? These are all important things to me. Somehow, I seriously doubt it. I knew how lucky I had it when I found this job. That's why I couldn't bring myself to leave even when a lot of my friends got laid off and work became......... well, just work. I know I will have to sacrifice one or two of these things if I want to find another job soon. It's just that I'm just so sick of making sacrifices, that's all. That's the story of my life - making one sacrifice after another.

With this great big uncertainty ahead of me, I spent all last night debating whether or not we should go through with the IUI. I've weighed the pros and cons and it seems there are more cons, but if I was to find another full-time job in the next couple of months, we would be okay again. So, I went to ask L. for his opinion, thinking he would say, "Definitely not, you are crazy to even suggest going forward!" Shockingly though, he responded, "Honey, if you want to, then we will. I'll leave that decision up to you."

Wow! It totally blew my mind. He was finally acting supportive with this IUI thing. I think all my weeping and emotional outbursts finally got through to him!!!! (Or maybe he thinks he just can't win with me. LOL!) To be honest, if he had been against the idea just a tiny bit, I might have caved in and cancel our IUI (because as much as I want a baby, I don't want it to make us broke or put a strain in our marriage.) But because he was so supportive and understanding, I have decided to go ahead with it! I'm taking the risk and having faith that everything will work out. I don't want to look back in a couple of months and regret my decision.

Well, it looks like my days here are numbered. My life at this job will be over soon and it will be time to move on. It will be tough but I know I will get through it. I always do.

Darn, Stubborn Bugs!

2004-07-20T22:25:00.000-04:00

Man, I'm sick, sick, sick of all this coughing. It's been going on for almost a week now. I don't have a cold or the flu - just have some nasty germbugs in my throat that refuse to leave. I'm so sick of it! I have a feeling I might be getting all these throat infections because of my enlarged tonsils. Earlier this year, I caught the flu from our baby neice. I had it real bad, too. Coughed so badly that I developed Laryngitis (lost my voice for a good week.) After that, my tonsils have been kinda big and gross-looking (esp. the one on the right.) Yuck!

Doc said they will most likely stay that size and that if I keep getting throat infections, I should think about taking them out! Yikes! I know that comes with A LOT of risks and I'm not sure I'm prepared for it. On the other hand, I've been getting throat infections like every month or so after the Laryngitis. Nothing I take seem to be helping much. Maybe I do need to think about taking them out..........

If anyone out there has had this done to them, can you tell me a little about your experience? Maybe that'll give me some courage to cut them darn things loose. Thanks.

With Ms. Hope and Optimism

2004-07-20T10:55:00.000-04:00

Well, about ten minutes I posted my entry on Sunday night, I went back to make up with L. and try to persuade him to see things my way (not that everything has to go my way – this is just VERY, VERY important to me.) I have waited for four long years as I watched many of his sisters, cousins, and even aunts that are in their mid to late forties pop out baby after baby. Last year alone, there were four babies born a few months apart (all on his side of the family!) Man, was that tough for me to swallow and act like I was okay. What makes things even harder is the fact that we’re such a close-knit family. For every little event, we have a family gathering. That means kids and babies everywhere you turn. But I really don’t have a problem with them (I love their presence); it’s some of their parents and the aunts and uncles that I feel uncomfortable around. Their pitiful stares and rude, insensitive remarks are all that I can stand. I’m starting to wonder if I should start handing out copies of the Infertility Etiquette ……. nah, they’re too ignorant to understand it…….. maybe I should just poke out their eyes once they take a turn at making me feel like sh*t and less of a person than they are. Yeah, this is much more fun! Ha! Ha!

Like I was trying to say before I went on and on about how everyone else is popping out babies left and right and I can’t seem to get ONE egg fertilized - I went back to talk to L. about the IUI. With the next day being Monday, I knew that if I wanted to try that, I would have to convince him and fast. I gotta say I was shocked to see that after only a few minutes of pleading with sad puppy eyes, he agreed to do the IUI this month! Basically, I just explained to him that I wanted his baby so badly that I could not bear to wait any longer. The herbal medicine may or may not work or it may take months for it to start working. But with the IUI, I have so much more confidence that it can work the first time. I’ve heard dozens of people getting pregnant with their first IUI and first IVF. There’s no reason it won’t happen to us. Just this once, I’m gonna let Ms. Hope and Optimistism take over and believe that it can and will work.

So I went and got another prescription for 50mg of Clomid yesterday. This new insurance that we switched to this year doesn’t cover any fertility drugs so I ended up paying $60.00 for five pills but that’s nothing compared to the procedure and lab fees we’ll pay later (hoping and praying that it will not all be for nothing.) Next Wed., I’m supposed to go in for an ultrasound to check how my little eggs are responding. May at least one of them will be ready to come out and be nice to L.’s little swimmers. I say it’s about time my eggs start warming up to them. After all, they are frequent visitors. There’s no need for my eggs to be shy and run the other direction or self-destruct before the swimmers can get close. Maybe some chocolate or ice cream will do the trick (like I said earlier, I won’t start working out till next month…….hehehe…..however, if I do get pregnant, I’ll need to tone down the exercises.) Here’s hoping the long years of infertility will soon end in a happy ending.

To Wait or Not To Wait

2004-07-18T20:12:00.000-04:00

AF finally had the decency to show it's full, ugly face yesterday, after a whole freakin week of playing "peek-a-boo". Looks like it is another one of those that I was hoping to avoid. Tomorrow would be the third day of a full flow and the day I would go see the RE for my next round of Clomid for an IUI. Like I said, it would be..........

I mentioned the IUI again to L. yesterday because I was getting more excited as Monday got closer. Here's how our conversation went:

Me: Hon, I'm finally getting a full flow! That means on Monday, I can go see Dr. M. for a prescription of Clomid and we can finally do the IUI this month!  I can't wait!

L: What?  Are we doing that this month?   (Pauses) Um................ exactly how much is that going to cost us?

Me: Dr. M says the procedure is $600.00, lab fees are separate.

L: Oh............. (Pauses again) Wow, that's kind of expensive.

Me: (Getting upset because I know I've shared this info. with him at least a million times before and I know where this is leading. ) Yes, I know it's not exactly chump change but it'll be worth it if it works. We've tried ourselves for too long and it hasn't worked. Plus, it's so much less than IVF. I think it's worth a shot, don't you agree?

L: Yes, yes, I agree. It is worth a shot but (pauses again)..................... maybe just not this month.

Me: (Voice raising) Why not? When then? I can't wait any longer. I don't even know if I'll be getting my period next month. It may be two or three more months before I see it agin. You know what all this is doing to me emotionally. (Trying hard not to cry.)

L: I just want us to wait one more month. You know my aunt is shipping some herbal medicine to you this week. I want you to take those this month. We did spend $100 on them. Don't you want to see if they'll work before we jump into IUI? Because if they do, it'll save us six hundred dollars or more. I really think you should give that a try first.

[This is true. His aunt is shipping me some herbal medicine but I have no clue what it's called or what it does exactly. It's supposed to be some Chinese medicine to help in one's fertility.  A friend of hers was selling it. She had told L. about this when she visited last month and L. got curious so he said we would buy some.]

Me: (Obviously very upset now) Yes, but I won't get those until next week and your aunt said I need to take them on the first day of my cycle for it to work effectively. By the time I get them, I would already be 5 or more days into my cycle and I'll have to wait until the next cycle. And what if they don't even work? Plus, I'm not sure I want to try something that I don't know the name of or what it'll do to my body.

L: Trust my aunt. She's given them to other infertiles before and it's helped them. She wouldn't send you something if it's not going to help you. She knows we've been trying for a while. I say we wait another month to do the IUI and see if these herbal medicines will help you first.

Me: Well, why can't we do the IUI first, then if it fails, I can take the herbal medicine? I think I'll have more chances with the IUI.

L: (In a determined tone) No, I like my idea better. That's what we should do.

Me: (feeling defeated because I know how L. is when he has his mind made up about something) I wished you would've told me how you felt about this before I went and got all excited over the IUI. I still might go see Dr. M for some Clomid tomorrow.

L: No, no, you shouldn't. Wait for aunt's stuff in the mail and take those. If you do, I won't go with you when it's time for the IUI.

Me: (Shocked and very hurt) What? Is that a threat? Well then, I guess I'll just have to find someone else's sperm to use!

[At this time, I decided to leave the room before our horns grew out even more than they did.]

It is Sunday night as I'm typing this and I'm still not sure what I should do. If I wait to take the herbal medicine, it may not help at all and I'll end up waiting for another month or two before we can do an IUI.  I simply don't want to wait any longer to take some action. It's getting harder month after month to hear about other women's pregnancy, especially women who get pregnant "by accident". But if I go ahead and get Clomid tomorrow and proceed with the IUI plan as anticipated, L. may get angry with me and refuse to go to the clinic when it's time to do the procedure. I'm so pissed off and confused right now. Should I wait or continue as planned (like I thought) and convince L. to see it my way?

I think I'll go see if I can convince L. now...........................

A Weighty Issue

2004-07-15T15:42:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning, achy and sore all over. I felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks, over and over again. My entire body felt beaten down and I was moaning every second as I dragged my sorry ass to wash up and get ready for work. At first, I wondered why my body was breaking down all of a sudden. As I painfully lifted one arm to turn on the sink faucet, I thought in despair, “So it all comes down to this, huh? After suffering from IF for four stinking years, my body has decided to give up on me now and make me live the rest of my live miserably and dependent on others. Great! Life just has all kinds of magnificent surprises for me, doesn't it? I can’t wait to see what’s next on the list. Blindness? Deafness? Cancer? A heart attack?”

I struggled to stand up straight to brush my teeth and wash my face, all the while, believing my body was fast deteriorating and I might end up in a wheelchair soon. But as my groggy mind became more awake with each new cold splash, I remembered what had taken place yesterday afternoon – the workout in class! Yes, that’s the reason why I feel like I have just been run over by a train! Whew! Boy, was I incredibly relieved to figure out the cause to all the pain and weakened state of my body. Images of wheelchairs and walking canes started to dissipate.

Yesterday was my “Teaching P.E.” class and our professor taught and had us play various games in a hot, stuffy gym with NO AC for over an hour. The games were fun and I didn’t have any trouble, but there was a lot of running around and playing in groups. Can you imagine doing all this in a sweltering room full of sweaty adults? It was NOT a comfortable situation to be in. I believe men in prison have it better than we did. Anyway, I’m glad that I didn’t faint due to the heat and overwhelming body odor.

Today, my body is BEGGING for mercy. I have not hurt this badly in so long. It just goes to show how long it’s been since I worked out and how OUT OF SHAPE I am. Although I don’t think I would feel this badly if she had allowed us to stretch a little prior to the games. Apparently, she forgot about us older, out-of-shape people (90% of my classmates are under 25 and look like they weigh 95 lbs.) I felt self-conscious in my gray shorts and white T-shirt. I felt like a whale, trudging her weight around in a room full of fast, skinny girls.

After I finished this morning’s routine in excruciating pain, I suddenly longed more than ever for the lean body I used to possess. I was never the model-thin type but I was in pretty good shape and felt full of energy. An hour or more of aerobic workout and circuit weight training didn’t even faze me. I had a decent package: lean arms and legs, nicely toned buttocks and tummy, perky breasts, and a thin face (you could actually SEE my cheekbones). Geez….. How long ago was that? Eight years? Dang! Has it been that long? Things really started going downwards (or upwards according the scale….. hehehe…..) after I got married.

I guess like a lot of other women, I became too busy with a new set of responsibilities. Okay, okay……. I’ll be honest here – I also just grew plain lazy. The prospect of eating healthy food every day and heading out to the gym three to four times a week was no longer that appealing. It was so much better going out to eat with my hubby, ordering cheesecake or ice cream with extra whipped cream and nuts, laying around doing nothing in our own place, watching three or four movies back to back on a Saturday afternoon while munching on bags of popcorn with Coke, eating fattening, late night dinners, or just cuddling up with L. on the futon and talking until we both fell asleep. I was content with the way my life was going so I ignored my weight. Dumb thing to do. Needless to say, those bad choices slowly transformed my nice, sexy body into what it is now – an overweight, sluggish, and unattractive one. Ugh!

Since I got married 6 ½ years ago, I’ve gained a total of 25 lbs. Now, some of you may think that’s not a lot but for my frame (I’m small-boned and barely 5 feet tall), that is a lot of extra weight for me to be carrying around. My midsection has grown some inches, my buns and breasts have lost their shape and perkiness, a second tiny chin has emerged, and my cheekbones have drowned in fat (Hello? Are you guys still somewhere down there in Fatland? …… please find your way back out…. I promise to put the cheesecake down.....) Now I know , in no way do I look like an ogre (I can still look damn good when I want to) but I’m not feeling my best in my body right now.

I hope I won’t feel this beat up after any kind of a workout again. I feel so large………… and basically, kind of pathetic. That workout yesterday sure whipped me good and opened my eyes to why I need to get back into the healthy state I used to be. Today, I’m longing to fit back into my size 5/6 (even 7/8) pants and being able to wear little tank tops, miniskirts, and a bathing suit without feeling self-conscious. I know it will take a lot of sweat and tears to achieve this goal but I’m geared up for it. This will be something positive for me to focus on other than my frustrating, messed-up cycles.

I will start going to the school gym next month. Why next month? Because my two summer classes are filling up my weeknights and weekends with homework, games to practice, information to collect, and exams to study for. So August it is. I will be working out at least 30 min. a day three times a week. Eventually, I’ll be working out at the level that I used to and back to looking and feeling great. It’s just time to start paying attention to this area of my life again.

I know that weight CAN BE a factor in infertility and if I lose the extra pounds, I might just have a better chance in ovulating regularly, and hopefully that will lead to a pregnancy before my health actually fails me for real.

Back in the Game?

2004-07-12T09:21:00.000-04:00

I told myself that for the rest of this month, I wasn’t going to think about my cycle or TTC. That since I had such a wonderful vacation and finally felt a sense of real relaxation as a worry-free woman, I would prolong that sweet feeling for a little longer. Um………………, that lasted for a good five days.

Yesterday, I was jolted back into the lovely world of infertility and TTC by some light, brown spotting. It really caught me off guard because I thought that I was never going to see AF again without the aide of Provera, the ever well-trusted and faithful drug that can kick start AF into action anytime. Now that it looks like she is just around the corner, I am once again consumed with thoughts of drugs, procedures, and faces of my babies. I know they are waiting for my body to receive them and be born. They are just as excited to meet me, as I am to meet them. Hold on, my darlings. I will meet all of you soon. I won’t give up without a fight!

Today, the spotting is still there. (This is a good sign, eh?) Plus, I have been feeling some subtle cramps. It looks as though AF has finally decided she would make an appearance and hopefully, she will soon.

I hope to God that this cycle will not be one of those cycles where I spot for a week, bleed steady for another week, and then finally, spot for yet, one more week. With these kinds of cycles, I don’t get to be bloodyfree for very long in-between, which makes my love life with L. and my energy level go to hell. For too many months in the past, my hubby has had to deal with a fatigued, pissed off, and bleeding wife. I know I was the one suffering, but in hindsight, he was also suffering with me. I grew irritated, withdrawn, and mildly depressed. I won’t let that happen anymore. Now that I have good health insurance, I’m gonna get myself to the doctor if this kind of bleeding persists. Being anemic on top of infertile is definitely not a good combination.

Damn, I wished my body would just function normally like millions of other women’s, or at least have an obvious problem so the doc can go directly to it and fix it. Why does it have to play this game of appearing normal, yet, is clearly not acting so? I wonder how and when my body got so f*cked up. I think it started after I got married but I can’t remember exactly when or what might have caused it. If only I had thought of it then and recorded that information, it would be so beneficial to me right now. I guess I should've paid more attention to it back in my preTTC days. Boy, those days are just a distant memory now.

The Plan

If this spotting eventually turns into a full flow, the plan of action is to call the RE and get a prescription for Clomid (yeah, the fertility pill that hates me and gives me vicious, unbearable hot flashes) and schedule an IUI. I am so excited just thinking about it. It will be my first IUI ever and I hope and pray that it will produce a positive result. Of course, I’m not naïve enough to believe that the first one will work but I do have some hope. On that day, I will try to allow only positive thoughts to flow through my mind (L. will be in charge of making sure this happens.)

Thank God L.'s a real optimist when it comes to my IF. I’m so glad that he has not pressured me once or shown me any disappointment in me throughout these past four years of trying. And for that, I love him so much more.

Laughter: Medicine for the Soul

2004-07-07T13:39:00.000-04:00

Man, what an awesome vacation we had! Every day was filled with activities – it was nonstop fun. We went fishing/swimming at the lake, bowling, clubbing (one was a gay club – we went for the drag queen show - sooooo cool), shopped all day at Mall of America (developed six beautiful blisters on both feet) among other various stores, ate out at really good restaurants, gambled at the casino (won and lost), barbecued with friends, visited an amusement park, and attended the biggest Hmong soccer tournament in the US. We even managed to squeeze in some time to run around central Minnesota and visit some of Louie’s relatives. For just one week, that’s not a bad list of activities.

Seemed like our vacation was more like a few hours instead of a week, and I cannot begin to express how much fun I actually had. It was unbelievable. Much of the credit has to go to my new good friend, K., who we spent most of our time. She and her husband had the week off so they showed us around town. I have never had so much fun with any other friend as far as I can remember. K. and I practically laughed our heads off every time we were together. It’s not that we saw funny things – it was because we have similar personalities and share the same sense of humor so we understood each other real well. We were able to bounce off each other harmoniously. Many times, we thought of and said the same funny thing. We could’ve been the Olsen twins! Everything was turned into something hysterical and there was never a dull moment between the two of us (unfortunately, for our husbands, they were the butt of most of our jokes.) I believe they grew a little tired of our incessant laughing, but WHO CARES? Most of the time, they opened the door to the jokes.

Anyway, I’ve been back just two days and I wish I could go back already. I miss being around someone like K. She’s the kind of friend that would pick me up when I’m feeling down and won’t stop talking to me until I feel better. Also, she can crack me up with just one word. If we lived closer together, I’m sure I would be too busy laughing and having fun to think about my IF woes. Sure, it would creep up now and then, but never hang around for long because K. would find a way to cheer me up. I love my husband dearly but for the love of God, he does not possess more than an ounce of humor in him. He rarely gets my jokes or jokes with me and I don’t find him laughing much at anything. It’s not that he’s not a happy person because he is (he never stresses over ANYTHING). He just lacks a funny bone. That’s one thing that I wish I could change about him because I LOVE funny things and laughing. I feel my absolute best when I’m choking on laughter. Hence, my wonderful time with K. It was impossible not to laugh when I was with her. If she was a man, I might have run off with her and left my husband stranded! (Just kidding!)

One goal this trip accomplished was it took away all of my negative thoughts and feelings about myself. I did not once think about my IF and where the M.I.A. AF was. I was having way too much fun to allow any negativity to surround me. At one point, I mentioned to K. that I was feeling so happy and good about myself that I thought I actually felt the blood rushing to my ovaries, stimulating one of my little eggs to ripen! K. thought that was so funny and busted out laughing, which in turn, made me even giddier so I joined her. I know this comment was related to getting preggo but it wasn’t an “Oh-I’m-so-worried” kind of comment. It was more like “Oh-look-I-think-something-might-be-happening” type, and then the subject was over. No more was said about it. I still can’t believe the amount of fun I had and that it is now over.

Back to reality now – working hard every day in my little, quiet cubicle, attending summer school four hours a night three times a week, and most importantly of all, not having someone really cool like K. around. I hope I had the same effect on her.

Vacation! Vacation! Vacation!

2004-06-25T13:54:00.000-04:00

Yay! At 3:00 pm today, I am outta here and off to a much anticipated and well-deserved vacation to St. Paul, MN! Woohoo!!! First, we’re driving an hour to the in-laws tonight and spending the night there because hubby’s younger brother lives there and he’s going with us. Then we’re taking off early in the morning, I mean very early – around 5:00 a.m. (I’m not a morning person; 7:00 a.m. is already early for me sooooo…… let’s just say I WILL NOT be in the best of moods or look my best, but who cares? I’m getting out of this town!)

But I do DREAD the ride there. It will take approximately 20 hours. Yep. A whole 20 hours of back/neck/leg cramping boatload of fun! Love the whole sightseeing thing but despise the ‘for-the-next-day-sit-tight-in-your-small-and-confined-spot-and-try-your-best-to-get-comfortable’ situation. I don’t deal well with small, cramped areas. The only reason why I’ve agreed to drive instead of fly was because L. (my deranged husband) said he loves long roadtrips and begged me to go along with him. He swore to do 90% of the driving. You know I’ll hold him to it.

While we’re in MN, I hope to clear my mind of all the negativity that’s been surrounding me lately. Must….focus….on…..positive….things…… I know I’ll return all refreshed and transformed (yeah, right!) Haha! Catch up with y’all on July 5th!

Pain & Discomfort....... But I WANT IT!

2004-06-24T11:14:00.000-04:00

I've read a lot about symptoms that preggo women get. Some of it scared me to death. C'mon, excruciating leg cramps in the middle of the night, nausea that can last all day long, practically living on the toilet due to increased urination, recurring or constant back pain, fatigue so bad that it turns you into a moody, irrational slug, the list goes on and on. I used to wonder whether I would be able to deal with all of these once I became pregnant. Now, I look forward to feeling all them, yes ALL of them.

[Here’s me shouting to the fertility Gods.] “You hear that? Yeah, bring it on! Throw me the worst possible PG symptoms out there if it means I can have a baby. I'm not afraid anymore.” [Fertility Gods seen snickering and turning their backs on me. Apparently, they are too busy making a fifteen-year old pregnant, another helpless girl who will be unable to take care of her child.]

[Me, begging this time.] “Please, please, just let me know once what it’s like to have a person growing inside my womb so I can be a mommy! I want that incredible experience that so many others take for granted. I don’t care what sufferings I have to endure along the way. Just give me a chance!” [This time, the FGs are seen even busier than the before. Their magical wands are working furiously, going in all directions as they make their magic happen.]

“Wait! What are you guys doing?" I scream. "Oh no…………… not her! A crack wh*re who’s a single mom to five children and all crammed into a tiny, one-bedroom apartment? Why her and not me? Why? Why? Why? WTF?!?!?" [I drop to my knees, sobbing uncontrollably while heart is crushed over an event that I have seen happen way too often.] I know there's a logic to all this...... my tired, little brain just can't seem to grasp it right now.

You know the saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all?" Sometimes I wonder if a woman who has had a miscarriage is better off than me. I mean, at least, she knows what it's like to be PG; the good as well as the bad. She’s felt herself giving life to someone – her symptoms constantly reminded her of this. She bonded with her growing baby, no matter how short-lived her pregnancy was. At least for that period of time, she had real hopes and dreams of meeting her baby in the next few months or so. Giving birth was a real possibility for her. Me, I have never known what it’s like to feel those things. I can only pretend. *Sigh*

(Watch out, the pessimist in me is trying to get out!) Frankly, I don't think that I will ever get to experience a pregnancy. Okay, let's see, I've done NINE months of Clomid (all with serious, intense, I mean firelike, hot flashes), and I never once saw a second line on the HPTs. As far as I know, one of my eggs was released every month, luteul phase was good, tubes were both open, uterus was normal, and we BD every other day of the month (just for safe measure). Shouldn't there have been at least ONE pregnancy? I mean if that little miracle pill did its job and DH's SA was fine, I just don't understand how I couldn't have gotten pregnant, not even once. At that time, I had so much faith that the magical pills would overcome all of my IF problems that I didn't really check my CM. I don't know if that was a factor but I’m starting to think that it could’ve been the culprit. I just hope it’s not a larger problem than that. Well, all I have to say for those nine disappointing months is that DH sure got the better deal out of it. I think he deserved it though. Afterall, he did put up with my crazy mood swings and meltdowns every time I tested and got the same BIG FAT NEGATIVE. Here's hoping the FGs will have some mercy on my soul and my empty uterus will be home to a baby soon.

Celebrities Getting Knocked Up

2004-06-22T21:58:00.000-04:00

So, I just heard the latest celebrity pg news - Liv Tyler. They said she's having her baby this winter. What a lucky, lucky girl. It seems every other day, some celebrity is getting knocked up. All I've been hearing lately are announcements of pregnancies and births. Just to name a few - Courteney Cox, Kate Hudson, Leah Remini, Denise Richard, and Julia Roberts (with twins) and now, Liv Tyler. Hooray for them........ Really, I'm estatic. As estatic as I can be in the state of mind that I'm in right now.

***Warning: Jealous Rage Coming Up***
Why do all the beautiful, talented, and rich people always get what they want? Aren't their awesome careers, ridiculously large homes, private jets, designer clothes and jewelry, quarter million dollar vehicles, and overflowing bank accounts enough? (Well, to be fair, I believe two of the women I listed above were also battling with IF although one of them clearly was hiding that fact.) It's just SO UNFAIR for those of us who are struggling with so much already also get to suffer with infertility. Arrgh! Don't we deserve a break? Afterall, we WANT to have a baby. Yes, I mean on purpose.

Every time I hear of another celebrity getting knocked up and getting what I so desperately want, it just makes me sick. I know...... they're entitled to babies, too. But what about me? Aren't I? Haven't I suffered enough? It doesn't make sense that I have to spend a fortune in order to have a baby and some of them achieve it so easily or by accident. IT.......JUST.......SUCKS!!!

Surprise! Surprise!

2004-06-21T17:23:00.000-04:00

I made it through Father’s Day all right, considering that I got a negative on my HPT that morning. What a shocker, right? I didn’t test with too much hope, just a glimmer of it, but I’m still so disappointed and sad. I wanted it so badly! DH is also very disappointed - I think he is starting to really want this baby as much as I do. Well, here’s another screwed up cycle with no PG. Will this crazy pattern ever cease? Ever since my D&C on March 31st, I thought my cycles would be normal, but what if they are still whacked? Now I don’t even know for sure if I O’d this month. I thought I did because I felt some pulling sensation and a subtle, sharp pain in my right ovary around the middle of the month. If it wasn’t ovulation, what was it? My body toying with my emotions again? Little aliens secretly trying to abduct my ovary? Whatever it is, it needs to stop. I need to either get pregnant very soon or stop trying altogether. This craziness is driving me insane. Somebody slap me and wake me up from this nightmare! I want to go back four years to a time when IF did not rule my every waking moment, and I was happy just being me.

I’m glad that our FD dinner turned out to be kind of nice. There were no nosy, insensitive, and rude aunts and uncles around. There was only good food and lots of cute, cuddly kids. The only bad thing (besides my BFN) was that one of our main dishes got burnt. This was because our menu included three dishes that were extremely time-consuming to cook and we were short-handed. It was a big disappointment but hey, it was only food. We made plenty of the other two dishes to fill us up. Plus, earlier that day, we had celebrated our one-year old niece’s birthday and everyone was still kind of full. For a Father’s Day gift, all of us (FIL’s married children and their spouses) pooled together our money and gave it to him as one big gift. He’s a very hard person to buy for so $ is always a better gift. I’m glad he had a good day.

To my surprise, the women there didn’t make any toasts to their husbands or anything; it was only about the FIL. Maybe they had already told their husbands in the morning or maybe they were trying to spare me some pain. Nah, I think it’s the first one. Well, whatever the reason may be, I’m kind of thankful for the way things turned out. It would’ve been waaaaaayyyyyyyyy uncomfortable for me (although I wouldn’t have objected). They have a right to praise and thank their husbands all they want. Yes, I know..... little infertile me can always step outside. I'll be praying that next year I can say a toast to my wonderful DH on this day.

I have to say that I’m very proud of myself for keeping my true emotions under wraps yesterday. Throughout the entire day, I was always sad, confused, and totally pissed off at my body, but I put on a happy face and interacted with everyone as humanly as possible. No one even suspected I was torn apart inside. Sometimes when I was cuddling with a baby and giving them butterfly kisses, I even fooled myself. For that brief moment, I forgot about my worries and just enjoyed the child. Thank God I was so busy that I didn’t have much time to dwell on it…………. until the ride home. It weighed heavily on my mind and still does today. Some say that being a mother is extremely tough because you constantly worry about your child. Well then, I should be a pro by the time I have one because I have gotten really good at worrying (I even worry about worrying!) At least when I have a child, I’ll have something tangible to worry about and a little person can say to me, “It’s okay, mommy. See? I’m fine.” With IF, the only consolation I get are perfectly healthy ovaries, fallopian tubes, and a uterus that refuse to work together to produce a baby. *Sigh*

Looking Forward to Father's Day Weekend........ or not

2004-06-18T20:04:00.000-04:00

This Sunday is Father’s Day ………. another childless Father’s Day for us. I wish so badly that I could utter the words, “you’re gonna be a daddy, happy early Father’s Day!” into my DH’s ears that day. I think I’ll test Sunday morning (although I think I already know what the outcome is). Hey, it doesn’t hurt to hope, right? Well, DH’s sisters, sisters-in-law,and I will be throwing a dinner party for DH’s father that night and there will be a lot of people there (as well as a ton of children of all ages). When toasting time rolls around, every woman will be toasting their husbands, thanking them for giving them such marvelous children and being such awesome dads, oozing with pride and love. Me, what will I be doing? Probably hiding in the corner somewhere, pretending not to notice the cheerful faces around me, while feeling awkward and left out. I’m sure most of the younger parents will try not to stare or pity me, but I’m positive each of them will be wondering if I’ll ever be able to give my husband a child. Thank God most of them understand how IF is affecting me and will most likely not say anything hurtful or inappropriate. It’s the older folks, like DH’s aunts and uncles, who might put me in the spotlight. Apparently, because they are much older than I am, they have the right to blurt out any cruel and insensitive remark they can think of. I’ve thought about this and debated whether or not I should just make an excuse and avoid the event. I’ve come to the conclusion that I will not let those few ignorant people ruin my weekend. Let them come to me with their stupid remarks and questions. I can always provide answers in the same manner. Maybe then, they’ll get the hint (why can’t people over a certain age come with a mute button?) Besides, there will be lots of food and lovely babies for me to hold and play with to get my baby fix. I’m always game for good food and playing with kids.

I’ve heard that some women dealing with IF cannot stand to be around babies. It is just too painful for them. I understand that because it is also painful for me. Whenever I see one, I think, “Oh, what a precious baby, I want a little one like that, why can’t I have one, I wish I could take him/her home with me.” A part of me is in enormous pain and my yearning intensifies, reminding me again what I haven’t been able to achieve. However, another part of me receives an incredible amount of pleasure and satisfaction from being around them. I guess the second part of me dominates the first because no matter how much I hurt, I could never turn away the opportunity to be close to a baby, anyone’s baby (even babies from women whom I dislike very much). Case in point, we have a cousin who fits this category but I allow myself to get close to her babies like they were my own. I don’t like this woman’s personality, attitude, opinions, and beliefs at all (very, very traditional and old-fashioned). And she’s a mean, gossipy, jealous bitch, not to mention, her motherly skills stink big time. Anyway, this woman has said some pretty harsh things to me relative to IF in the past, such as “You know, some women are just not meant to be mothers” and “Maybe some women can’t have babies because it’s a sign that their marriage isn’t going to work." Yeah, this coming from a woman who has such awful mothering skills that if a social worker could see the condition her kids are in, they would be whisked away faster than you can say “Shit!”, and who, by the way, has had way more than her share of marital problems. She should’ve stopped to think about her situation before relaying such nonsense to me. I wanted to shout back something twice as hurtful and jab her eyeballs out with the sharpest object I could find and say, "How does that feel?", but restrained myself. After all, I am civilized. Since then, she hasn’t said anything as offensive to me (I’m sure she’s been spreading her ignorance to just about everyone else though). This Father’s Day weekend could definitely be another interesting one for me.

Where is AF?

2004-06-17T16:39:00.000-04:00

It is day 34 of my cycle and no sign of the evil aunt named Flo anywhere .... very strange. She should be knocking on my door by now or giving me some kind of clue that she's coming. There's just a lot of quietness - no cramps or sharp pains, not even a mood swing. I would be so hopeful to think that maybe this month is the lucky month. The psycho side of me wants so badly to run to the drugstore, purchase a couple of HPTs, rush home, pee on it, and wait anxiously for the results. But the sane side of me is telling me to be patient, wait a few more days and then if I still don't see AF, I could test. I think I'll listen to the sane side of me this time. Too many times in the past I have gotten hopeful, tested, and got a big fat negative staring back at me, mocking me while I pray for a second line, then finally, tearing my heart into two and shattering my dreams one more time. I think I'll spare my heart the drama this time. It has been through enough. What's another few days anyway, right? I just hope that this time, I will see the elusive second line and not another big fat nothing! I'll really go looking for AF then and she will have a lot of explaining to do.

About Me

2004-06-17T15:40:00.000-04:00

Wow - first entry in my blog. This is neat.... my very own blog for the entire world to view. Kind of scary because it makes me feel vulnerable but better than keeping all this infertility crap bottled inside of me. Reading other similar blogs have been kind of therapeutic. I think this is an awesome way for me to vent my frustrations and hear from others who are going through the same nightmare that I am.

A little about my background ..... I grew up in central California and DH grew up in southern California. We married in 1998 (I was 21 and he, 24). We decided to hold off on starting a family until I finished college and we were a little more financially stable. After waiting a year to become a NC resident, I went back to college part-time to try to finish my education degree. I would've gone back full time but money would've been really tight without a second income. Well into my third year, I realized that it would take me a few more years to finish my teaching degree due to some added classes. I knew I didn't want to put off starting a family any longer. Also, the fact that I didn't plan on teaching right after graduation (pay here in NC is ridiculous) helped me make my decision. I was also glad to hear that my mother-in-law volunteered to help out for a couple of years so I would be able to go back to school and finish my degree after having a baby. It sounded like a good plan and never in my wildest dreams did I think that it would be so difficult for me to conceive. It has been four long years but I'm not giving up. I've yet to get out the real weapons against IF - costly drugs and advanced reproductive procedures. If I have to use them, dammit, I will!