A Sigh of Relief

Phew! My second beta came back tripling at 1386. I was so nervous when the nurse called me at work, but when she started out with, "Katie, your numbers came back great!," the knot in my stomach loosened up.

So I guess by this number, it's not likely to be twins. My husband was kind of disappointed. He says we should have twins (a boy and a girl) to make up for all those years we struggled to conceive. Hey, part of me agrees but there are also a lot of complications with twins, especially because I am not tall nor in the best physical shape. One healthy baby is much more important right now.

The nurse told me that since my numbers are looking really good, there's no need for anymore betas. My first ultrasound to check viability is on Feb. 4th. They also asked me to make an appt. with my regular OB/GYN ASAP! That appt. will be on Feb. 1st. (I wonder if he'll give me an ultrasound or just tell me I need to take multivitamins.)

Well now, I'm worried about the viability ultrasound appt. (the worrying never stops!) It will either put 99% of my fears to rest or turn this whole experience upside down. God, PLEASE let me see a bean in there!!! And let it be healthy! I have waited patiently for so long for this miracle - don't take it away now!

To be honest, I have not been able to be relax or let myself be completely happy about this. I'm kind of in denial and every day feels unreal. When I feel slight cramping or when I feel my breasts still sore as ever, I am reminded that I'm pregnant but at the same time, I don't really believe it. Me? Pregnant? Is this really happening?! Sometimes, I think I'm dreaming and I'll wake up soon and the tears will continue to fall like they have for years and I'll still be bitter and angry at the world/God and I'll continue to see others around me give birth year after year and on and on.

I do have moments where a happy teardrop falls and I rub my belly and think, "This is REALLY happening to me. There IS a baby growing inside of me. And everything IS GOING to work out. I DESERVE this. I should just be HAPPY and not worry so much - RELAX, RELAX!" These moments, like I said, are few though.

Hoping my first ultrasound will put my mind and heart at ease. Lord knows it's time to stop all the pain and suffering.